blogging...

I have been a horrible blogger!

Life has kind of taken charge, I suppose. Between working full time, taking care of miss chloe full time, and trying to keep the house looking half way decent, I run out of time!

We've had lots going on, miss chloe turned one, the following weekend I had her birthday party! It was a hit! We had approximately 40 people show up. I will be posting pictures soon!

My schedule at work has changed for the next 6 weeks, and lets just say, I do not like my new schedule, and like the job itself even less!!

I have applied for school, and fasfa. I want to take nursing, so that I can support me and Chloe, and never been dependent on a guy again! Hoping to go to school full time, and work part time...we shall see how that goes!

The grand finale.... he posted pictures online, of him and his GF at prom. There's a whole lot wrong with this, first of all he's 22 which means he's too old for prom. Second of all, he's married with a child. Third of all, he published these pictures all over the internet while married!! As much as it hurt to see those pictures, it was a great wake up call. Maybe the wakeup call I needed. While it royal pissed me off, to the point I was shaking, something clicked afterwards.

I went off on him in the driveway that night as he dropped off chloe. He listened, and his response was 'we're over, we've been over'. Of course I replied that 'Your still legally MY husband, until we are divorced, you will have to get over it'. LOL.

I think about him a lot less, I still have the memories of 'us', but I don't 'visit' them often. I'm finally ready to be over him, and to move on with my life. I want to be happy, for me, for chloe, and for our future. While I can't see myself with him, I can't see being with anyone else. I'm not ready to date...but I like the *idea* of flirting, going on dates, and having good times with a guy, who wants the same in life.

I'm finally learning to take it one day at a time, and just have fun.

I'll leave you with the fact that chloe is walking, and talking. 'Mama' is the best thing in the world to hear!! Being a mom, is the best, there's simply no words to explain it! <3

Weekend Getaway!

Chloe and I went to visit my dad and family this weekend! It was nice to be out of the house and have something to do. We spent all day saturday shopping, for the first time in ages, and sunday we went to Churchhill downs, my first time ever!

Lots of fun, and things to do, kept my mind off of things. Only, when we visited my grandma at the nursing home, I saw our wedding invitation in a frame on the wall, with a prom picture of us in the corner....I lost it. It's days like Mother's Day, or Chloe's upcoming birthday that make me HATE him. I want to badly to be over him, I just can't seem to find the way to get there 100%. I don't want to hate him, I don't want to love him anymore, I just want to NOT CARE! I want to be so over him, that I don't notice the small stupid things, that he still feels as though he has to lie to me about. How do I get there?!

On another note, it is Mama Monday! Sticking with putting me after Chloe, and not at the bottom of the list, I was able to buy myself some much needed clothes! It's been a while since I've bought clothes...the last time was maternity clothes, and lets face it, no one wants to be wearing them when their 'baby' is turning 1! It's easier to feel good about yourself, when your wearing something cuter then sweatpants and a tshirt. If the truth be told, when he was still around, I was so comfortable that I didn't care. I didn't feel as though I needed to be impressing anyone, when I guess I should have been trying to make sure he was still impressed. HAHA.

When I started this blog, I never thought I would actually keep it up, and even less then that, did I think that people would actually read it. Now as my ticker nears 800, I wonder who is reading my blog and why. Not that it's a bad thing, but I am just 'little' ole' me typing my thoughts and feelings down and yet somehow people maybe all accross the world, lol, are reading it. So, if you would be so kind as to leave a comment, anything that you want to leave, even if it's anonymous, I would love to know why your reading, or what your favorite color is!

Happy later Mother's Day to all of the other mamas!!!

And because I'm random, I'm going to start leaving with a random opinion. Random opinion for tonight...mens razors are 10x better then womens, I think him for leaving a new razor with 2 razorblades behind. LOL

I think I can, I think I can...WAIT

I know I can, I know I can!!

The days seem to be getting busier and busier, and less about him. I do miss him, I do think about him, but it is SO much easier!

I can survive this, we will survive this! For a while now, I've been in a state of mind where I can't see myself with him, but I can't see myself with anyone else...some days I think if I could just find a friends with benefits, I could survive being single forever. LOL ::wink, wink, nudge nudge:: In all seriousness, I am finally OKAY with it.

With all of that, I have decided today is going to be dubbed *Mama Monday*. Before we got married, I put my friends and family first. Then we got married and it was him and the house first, followed by family and friends. It's never been about ME. Now of course, It's not all about me, but I am second, instead of LAST. If I don't make it about me, who will?!

Chloe will always come first, what she needs, and then of course what I want for her, since she's too young to want for herself. Lol. Then it will be about me! Every week, I am going to do something for me, whether it is going to the movies, or reading a book, or getting a pedicure.

May brings lost of adventures, mother's day, then Chloe's 1st Birthday in which I will be a total crying mess for, then my birthday!! For mother's day, I'm hoping to get myself a tattoo that will represent Chloe. For my birthday, I've decided I want a bike, and a seat to attach to it, so that Chloe can ride with me.

When he left, I knew I wouldn't want to get into another relationship while feeling the way I do about myself. So,I've finally gotten serious about losing weight, and in the last two weeks I've lost 5lbs...it's not a lot, but it's a start! I've changed my eating habits, though I still crave my sweets! I've been walking with Chloe when the weather is nice, and hoping to go on those bike rides!

Since this post is *mama monday*, I will tell you what I've been doing for myself lately. I've gotten highlights, and a new haircut. I bought myself a ring that says 'keep on loving'. It took me a while to find a ring that was 'just right' but I knew when he left that I wanted something to 'replace' my wedding rings. I've been enjoying my candles, walks, my time with chloe, and feeling HUMAN again!!

Almost 5 months now...I never imagined I would be where I'm at, and I'm looking forward to where I will be 5 months from now!

wishy washy...

I don't know if it is mean, the relationships I get in, or a bit of both. When H left I shut down, and shut out some people. There was one person I consistantly talked to, but the relationship is getting harder and harder.

It's hard for someone to understand what it's like to be a single parent, when they've not experienced it. That is just the truth. You are responsible for doing everything on your own, from working, to taking care of the baby, to grocery shopping, and maintaing a home. I'm exhausted personally. Not to mention I'm still not over the emotional aspect of being divorced and single, and everything that has come along with it.

Now on top of all of that, I don't currently have my own transportation, nor do I know anyone other then our m-f babysitter and my mother. So going out to do things has been nearly impossible. I borrow my moms car when I can, but it's not often, and it's usually not for long since she may have plans!

All of these things have been weighing on our relationship and it's become so frustrating that I'm just ready to give up. Yet the idea of that makes me sad. I care about this friend, and I don't want to be friendless.

Which leads me to not feeling like I'm good enough for anyone. I guess in some part I'm not considering I am so unhappy with myself. It is hard to stay positive, but I am trying hard to do so!

Letting nature take its course can be so hard, and yet sometimes we have no say in it. I hope I don't lose this friendship forever, and at the same time, I'm so tired of trying to cater to everyone else....Why is it all so complicated?!

Tomorrow starts a new week, and I'm so ready for it!

"I know how you feel."

Do you, do you really?

I think the fact that your husband is sitting next to you, you have no idea how I feel!!

There are sometimes that it would be best not to say anything at all, then to say something that is not true.

Maybe it's because I am still in the process of getting a divorce, but when I hear someone say "I know how you feel", and in reality you know they have no idea, it just pisses me off. Unless you have personally been through a divorce you have NO idea what I am going through. It's so easy to judge someone elses situation.

I had someone tell me they couldn't understand why I was keeping pictures of me and him and that if they were in the situation they would have burned everything. First of all, he will always be apart of my past, you can't erase those memories. Second of all, we do have a daughter together, and I would like for her to know that we were in love and happy at one point in our life, and she wasn't brought into an unloving family. He was so excited the day I got my bfp (big fat positive=pregnancy test) that he didn't want to wait the 12 weeks I wanted to wait to tell everyone, but agreed to. Within 24 hours he was soo excited that he begged me to let him tell his mom which meant we had to tell everyone.

Just because you can sit back and say "If my husband did that to me, I would be so over him and not worried/think about him anymore." My question for you is, do you really love your husband? I had virtually no control over this. In the end it all came down to what he wanted. He walked away and he destroyed our family. This is NOT by any means what I wanted. You have no idea what you would do if you were put in this position, and I hope that you never are.

I really wish people would stop and think before they just verbally throw up.

the struggles...I'm feeling them...

Is there really 24 hours in a day?

Can someone make that 30 hours in a day? Please...with a cherry on top?!

My day goes a little something like this...get up at 5am, get ready, wake the baby at 6, get her ready. At 6:30 we are on the way to the babysitters, drop her off, get to work by 7. The day drags until 3:30 when I get off, go straight to pick up the baby. Then its either to the store, pick up my brother, or go home play with Chloe. Around 5:30ish start dinner. By 6:15 or 6:30 we are in the car to pick up my mom for lunch break. Come 7ish we are having dinner. Then it's time to clean up dinner, get a bath, pack for the next day, clean. THEN I try to squeeze in some me time, but that me time cuts into my sleep time.

I do realize that this is a pretty typical life...but whyyy am I struggling?! The 5 hours of sleep a night is not cutting it anymore. It's starting to catch up with me, and the only way I see getting anymore, is giving up the little bit of *me* time that I get. Somehow I can not seem to talk myself into that one.

I've also come to realize that while my days are getting better, I am surpressing too much emotions. All of my anger/frustrations towards matthew get ignored until they build up so high that I explode. Then it appears as though I spend all day everyday thinking about him, when in reality I try so hard not to think about him.

I know I will be okay, that one day I can be happy. I just don't know when that someday will be, and at this point I wish I could push fast forward! I have been planning Chloe's birthday and it's so hard. It reminds of me of the dreams I had for our family, and he ripped those same dreams away. I had envisioned our backyard with Chloes swingset, a pool, her bycycle. Of course she will be able to have those things one day. But they won't be with our family, they won't be in this home, or this yard, and I have so much anger towards him for that. I have anger towards him for making me go 48 hours without seeing her (when he does finally get overnights). For making her have to split the holidays between his family and mine instead of OURS. The fact that if she ever has siblings, they will have a different father/mother then she does. HE took this all away from me, and I had NO say so in it. It just isn't fair. It's been 4 months and I'm still struggling.

Not sure how this post got turned this way. Only that I am doing okay...even with the struggles. I am trying so hard to be happy. I will keep trying and one day, I won't have to try, I will just be able to live....or so I hope.

Somedays, I feel as though I'm all alone in this journey....

1 step forward...2 steps back...

I have been dreaming of spring, the cool breezes, the green grass, the pretty flowers blooming, evening walks around the neighborhood, and walking barefooted!

Now it's come, and while I'm enjoying it..the warmer it gets the more I hear that sound...I never expected so many small or silly things to take me back. Back to feeling like I will never be over him, and that the last one or two or three weeks of doing okay, or good is all wiped away.

As I hear it get louder, then switch gears, then it takes off down the road...all of these damn motorcycles have me on the verges of tears. I wish I would have rode the damn thing with him more then the 2 times that I did. I was so scared. Scared that something horrible would happen and that I would regret it, or worse yet something horrible would happen and I wouldn't have the chance to regret it...now I regret not riding with him.

Today marks 4 months to the date of him telling me he didn't want to be with me anymore, that he didn't love me. I remember it like it was yesterday. I yelled at him, cursed at him, and repeat for 3 hours...I wanted to do the classic movie scene where the woman burries her head in the guys chest and pounds his chest crying the whole time. At the same time, I just wanted him to hold me. Instead, I sat on the opposite end of the couch telling him everything I could think of, every feeling I could feel. But, of course, it feels like forever ago too. How have I managed to survive 4 months, that is 1/3 of a year?! Yet, I still can't imagine being with anyone else.

All of this leads me to wishing. Wishing I knew when I will be over him, completely. What if I never am? What if I really do love him forever? How will I love anyone else as much as I loved him? Will anyone else want to be with me? Will anyone else love me?

All of these questions left unanswered only to be answered with time. Sometimes I think I have too much time, and sometimes not enough.

I've got the best part of him that I ever could have asked for. I see her , I play with her, sing to her, rock her, kiss her, hold her, hug her, laugh with her, take care of her each and every single day. She's my whole world, and if all of this had to happen in order to have her, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Self esteem or the lack thereof...

I have never had very good self esteem. I became overweight as a 4th grader.

Needless to say, I'm 22 soon to be 23 and still overweight. It is hard not to wonder what part this had in our divorce. When he left, I was 60lbs heavier then I was in high school when we first met. I was uncomfortable with myself in high school...can you imagine how I felt 4 months ago, at my heaviest!

The first two weeks that he left I lost 12lbs. He has been gone, almost 4 months and I've only lost 2 more. How rediculous! I want so badly to do this. Mainly for myself and the ability to chase chloe around and play all of the things that she wants to play. I don't want to be the fat mom sitting on the side too embarrassed to stand up and cheer their child on!

So today, I came home from work, cleaned, worked out, and took a bath. I decided since I had no clean clothes, I would wear the one and only skirt I have that fits. When He arrived to drop off Chloe he did a double take to see what exactly I was wearing...such a small detail, but it made me feel great!!! One day I want him to pick up Chloe and have to do 3, 4, 5 glances because I have changed so much! I'm so tired of being the fat girl.

I want to feel cute and comfortable and be able to buy the cute clothes! I want to be able to walk around with a guy and be happy, smiling, cheerful and not wondering what every.single.person is thinking about me as I walk by.

I deserve this, but only I can make the changes...and I'm finally ready to commit!

Walking...my baby?

Chloe is 10 months and 7 days old...I think it's safe to say she is walking.

Where has the time gone? It's almost been a year, and holy cow what a year it has been. Most definately not the year I would have imagined.

She has been all over the place since she started crawling at 7 months old, however walking is a whole new ballgame! You can't even hear her when she's coming down the hallway. lol. She gets up and goes wherever she wants, whenever she wants. It started out as a few times a day walking random short places. As of today I don't think I have seen her crawl but mayabe one time.

Somedays I wish I could go back to when she was a newborn, or 4 months old, and redo several decisions I have made. But at last, it can not be done, and I will continue to struggle to be everything she needs.

My baby is almost one...I can't believe it.

I have learned a new word..or should I say...feeling

Resentment.

Somehow I have managed to be positive the last couple of weeks, or at least for the majority of those weeks. Today, not so much. Chloe has not been feeling well which equals baby crankyness....at its worse!!!

On the one hand I feel horrible, because her nose is running, she's tired and fights her sleep, and when she finallly falls asleep for the night she wakes up twice because she can't breathe through her nose. On the other hand...where is MY free time? Where is my time to do what I want? Where is my person to call and say 'hey, shes not feeling good can I bring her home early?'

Q the resenment...while I don't want the life Matthew has. I love chloe to death!!! I do resent him for just being able to walk away and not care. I'm scrambling to find the right words...this has nothing to do with not wanting my little girl, I would never not want her.

However, sometimes I need a break. Twentythree hours a month, or 40 hours a week while I'm at work just isn't enough. Especially on days like yesterday and today. I want to make her better, so we can have fun and yet I don't know what to do. I try to do it all, bottle, nope shes not hungry, play with toys, nope she doesn't want to look at them, nap, hell no she's not going to sleep. WHAT DO I DO?!

He has a car, a job, money, free time, a social life, and a significant other..whom is obviously not me! He left almost 4 months ago and has completely moved on. I don't know if he's actually happy or not, and if he wasn't he wouldn't be telling me...I wouldn't trade my life for his life. However, I wish he would step up and want to be the father that I know he can be. He was a good father when we were together, he played with her, he helped when/if I asked for help. I was able to go out and do stuff, even if I took her with me.

I know these things will get better, I have a job, and I am working. However, I won't have a full paycheck for another 3.5 weeks, which means the next 3.5 weeks will continue to be a struggle. I am SO tired of struggling. And it's not just about money but everything that revolves around the money.

In all of this mess, I just want to be happy.

living life

Today was a great day. I felt like I was actually living, and having fun and not just going through the motions.

My day started at 6:45, with me getting up to the alarm clock instead of chloe hungry for a bottle. For the first time in a long time I did my hair, my makeup and got dressed before she woke up. We were out the door by 8. We shopped from 8:45-11:15...and might I say that was just as fun as the birthday party. Lol. I bought a new outfit just to go to the party, lets face it the clothes I have right now suck!

We arrived at the party an hour early to help set up. I carried chloe, my 20lb child around for nearly 2 hours nonstop, taking pictures too. Lol. That was an interesting juggle. We had lots of fun, from face painting, to ladybug poems, playing, and cake!!

We got home around 5 and let's just say we are both wore out! Chloe missed a nap, and ended up going to bed an hour early. My arms are SO sore, it is rediculous! Then again, I don't usually care around 20lbs for two hours straight or the 40lbs I carried when I carried her in and out of stores in her infant carrier. Wth was I thinking?! Lol!

Soo living today was great, I felt cute, I smiled, I laughed, I had fun. I should feel like this everday, and it shouldn't take shopping or a birthday party to make me feel this way!! I pray that things get better once I start working, they simply have to!

In other news, my sil and I are going to be doing a 15lb challenge...our reward will be a mani, pedi, and higlights! In all reality, lol, we both need to lose weight and want to do these things anyways.

What girl doesn't want a spa day?!

Success!!

So after using our new Munchkin hair rinser product I mentioned in a previous post, we finally have success!

It only took me 4 or 5 times of using it! Tonight there were NO tears when it came time to wash hair. I was so excited we clapped and I was loud with the 'yay, you did it!!' Lol. Bathtime has come a long ways with that little girl!

Tomorrow we have plans to go to her cousins birthday party! So excited, for once I will be out and about and have a 'life'. I'm SO tired of being stuck in this house all day everyday. Once this rain goes away, we will be outside for some more fun. I can't wait!

Each day is getting easier and easier...

Nice weather!

Yesterday was so nice! I have been ready for spring weather for a while now, flip flops and evening walks, what isn't there to love?!

So yesterday I packed up chloe and we walked to the nearest park. I failed to realize there were no swings, until we got there! lol. Needless to say without swings there is a whole lot for a 9.5 month old infant to do! So we walked around, and then walked home.

What a relief it is to know that she likes her stroller. Last year, she hated it and cried every.single.time I tried to go for a walk!

Today was nice, but windy and since her poor little sensitive cheeks get wind burned, we opted not to go outside to play! Though we had adventures in the house, she is *so* close to walking! She has been randomly taking 3-4 steps to get to something and has gone up to 7 steps all by herself before falling down!

Walking is of course one of those milestones you look forward to and yet, once it starts it doesn't stop. haha. She is growing up so fast!! Where they heck has the time gone?! I wish I could go back to the day I had her, and enjoy every little second even more then I did.

I love her to pieces!

Day 1

Every new years, I have had the same resolution...are you ready for it? I want to lose weight! The problem is, I can exercise and eat good for one whole week...then some magic poof throws it all away.

Now that I'm going to be single...I need to make this happen for real! I almost never feel pretty, the little bit of clothes I have don't fit right, and lets face it...who wants to buy clothes in the next size or two up? NOT I.

So today, is day 1 of the 30 Day Shred by Jillian Michaels. Let's just say...my ass got kicked in all of 20 minutes or so! How pathetic. I weighed in this morning, and will do so again in 30 days. Hoping for some change!

Along with doing the dvd, I will be eating better!! My sweet tooth will be fufilled by apples, bananas, and oranges. All of my raw veggies for the week are cut up to include, 1 green pepper, 1 cucumber, 1 head of cauliflower, celery, and a bag of baby carrots. Yum!!

I am ready to do this!!

Feeling lost

Alright, so I've not been blogging regularly. Mainly because my good times are as comon as the bad.

I try so hard to stay positive, and yet it takes 1 little thought to turn my whole hour, or day upside down. I still miss all of the small things. Though at this point it's not him that has me down, it's the circumstances that he left me in...My car does not run well at all. I stopped driving it at 7 months pregnant because I felt unsafe in it...so it sat in the driveway for a year. He told me for months before leaving me that I didn't have to work at all, I could stay at home with the baby. When he left...his response to my vehicle not running..."that is no longer my problem"...asshole! The job I was working at when he left was temporary...in fact it ended 2 weeks after he left...wtf. Which leads to our house...the month he moved out the mortgage didn't get paid, and I had no job..guess what...it is a matter of time before it goes into foreclosure.

Recap...he left me with a job ending in two weeks, no running vehicle, a house I couldn't afford and our 6 month old daughter to take care of! He deserves husband/father of the year award...how is it that I married this guy. Though I know he is NOT the man I married, he looks the same but everything that comes out of his mouth makes you feel as though your talking to a stranger.

However, I'm supposed to be starting a job at the end of the month, I'm both nervous and excited! I really want to do something with myself, so I can provide Chloe the life she deserves. I also never want to be dependent on another man, and be stuck in my current position.

While there is the future to look forward to and it is finally looking better, I have felt trapped. Trapped in this house, that I will miss, and yet look forward to getting out of. The hardest thing to let go of in all of this, is the dreams I had for our family, in our home, in the future. I've spend 6 years dreaming and planning for our family. As everyone likes to point out, I don't have to give up my dreams, I just have to make them with someone else. Somehow they fail to realize that he was a part of my dream. He was my childrens' father. Now, if I have anymore kids, it will be with someone else. Someone else in which I have no idea who it could be.

The unknown is the scariest thing of all. Can I survive as a single mom? Can I provide my daughter with everything she needs and wants? Can I make her proud to call me mommy? Will I ever find someone who loves me enough to not want to be with someone else? Will I ever fully get over him? Will I be able to wake up, look at the sun and my daughter, and be happy with the life I have?

I am SO happy to have my daughter, I want to make her proud of me! I know that no one can change this me, I want it to change, but I need to find the strength to make it happen.

Life is a journey, that is so unpredictable!

Chloe's Hair and bathtime...

Bathtime has almost always been something I did. I think he may have helped once or twice, in the whole 6.5 months he was around. Chloe hated her infant tub, so she started taking baths me. I was finally able to get her to take a bath in the duck tub!

The fact that she has a lot of hair, has always been an issue at bathtime. The problem...she hates the water being poured on her head. Of course the shampoo has to be rinced out, thus the crying every.single.time. Try as I may to keep the water out of her face, I'm not always successful.

I bought this http://www.munchkin.com/products/detail.html?section=prodCategories&ID=10000&pID=1257from Target. Tonight was the first time we tried it. She cried, but I loved the fact that the water didn't get in her face. So we will continue to try it, with the hopes of one day she will just get used to it.

There's not a whole going on really. Our typical day starts at 7:30 with 2 naps, 5 bottles, solids 3 times a day and lots of play! Hopefully soon, that will include a job for me, and babysitter time for Chloe. :).

It's all of the small things...

It has been a rough few days. See, I go through hours, sometimes days where I know I CAN and I WILL be okay being a single mom. Then I have hours and days where I feel helpless,hopless, giving up. I want nothing more then to give up, give up on everything. Her little smile, laugh, and cries let me know that I can't, I can't give up not on her, or me. I have to survive being a single mom for her. Not anyone else.

It has been 12 weeks today, since my world came crashing down on me. Twelve whole weeks, such a short time in the grand scheme of things, but oh so long. It's been 12 weeks and 1 day since I heard 'I love you', Or I held his hand, or knew that we were okay. Twelve weeks compared to 6 years. No wonder I still have my hours..my days, where I just don't know what the hell to do with myself. I miss him, I love him. I want him to come home. The catch...I want the him that I fell in love with and married. Not the him that he is now.

I miss the small things, and it's thinking about the small things that make me cry, and piss me off all in the same breath. When I first met matthew, he was 'matt'. I was told very early on in our relationship, after accidentaly calling him matthew, that he was only matthew to 'special' people. So matt it was. At some point along the line I achieved 'special' and he was matthew...Now that I'm not 'special' I can't go back to matt, its just not natural.

Our relationship started out with a great deal of talking on the phone, our conversations ended with *3* kisses before getting off the phone. Even as adults married for 3 years, we ended our conversations with *3* kisses. In fact, if one of us didn't give those kisses before hanging up, the other person called back immediately...'what's wrong?'. Silly? Yes, but it was so us. I got teased about those kisses *forever*. Forever, 6 years is too short of a forever to me. I wanted the real forever....the forever that doesn't end.

I miss the goodnight kisses, I miss holding hands, I miss his laughter and smile. I miss him making me smile and laugh. I miss him always knowing something was wrong, even if I didn't want to talk about it at that moment, his persistance in finding out what was wrong. Doing whatever he could in order to make it better. I miss the cuddling, I miss the silly bickering. I miss popping in on him at work an seeing him just smile at me. I miss him inroducing me as his wife, I miss him calling me 'my love'. It wasn't until we'd been married for a year and some odd months that my 13 year old sister in law told me that, matthew had gone around all day everyday talking about 'my love'. Whatever it was, 'my love did this today, I can't wait to see my love tomorrow'. Once I knew of that, 'my love' was said all of the time. Right along with 'ses'. Lol. Somehow 'ses' was our version of sexy. We also called eachother 'booboo'. I don't even remember how that one came about, but it stuck. 'I love you booboo.' What I wouldn't give to hear him say that, and mean it.

Why can't this be a horrible nightmare that I'm about to wake up from? Why? Why me? Why our little family?I'm not sure I will ever know those answers.

What I do know is that someday, I will have those small things with someone else. Someone else who will love me for me, and who won't want to be with someone else the second they get the chance to. Someone who will want to spend time with me and my daughter and any subsequent children. Someone that wants the world for our family, and would do anything to give it to us.

So while, I've been surviving the last 12 weeks, I've not been living.

Living is what I want, living happily.

Yesterday I didn't, today I can, and tomorrow I will...

ramblings....

If it wasn't for chloe, the day he left, I would have been curled in a ball for a week or two and then skipped town. But when you have a baby, you just can't do things the way you want to do them, you have to do them for your baby.

So while in general the days are getting easier, there are still certain times that I look at Chloe and feel bad for her. I did not want her to go from home to home the rest of her life. I do not like the fact that she will to a degree have a part of her life that I won't know what she's doing, what she's been fed, if she is feeling okay. In all reality, I know that would have happened at some point as she got older, but it's not supposed to happen now, she is not even 9 months old yet! I hate this for her.

As much as I hate him right now, there are certain things that I was waiting for to happen, things that I thought would make me happy. Today one of those things happened, and while I had several times said I would laugh when it happened, I didn't. I felt bad for him. He has thrown everything away but his job. He threw away our marriage, our house, his bike, being able to see his daughter on a daily basis. He can replace the material things, but he will never be able to replace his daughter, or seeing her everday. Yet at the same time, these are decisions he made. And yet somehow, while he is out living the life that he thinks he wants, I have sat at home, hurting.

While I would never wish physical harm on him, the hurt part of me wants him to feel the hurt that he has made me feel. I want someone that he trully loves, because I now question how long or how deep he ever loved me, to leave him at the drop of a hat with no notice. Yet if the truth be told, by the time it is likely happen, I will have moved on and it won't matter to me anymore.

Everyday gets easier, but there are minutes, sometimes hours that are still hard. Sometimes I still picture him coming home from work, or something he did with chloe. I look at her and I see him. I will forever have a reminder of him. I want her to know that at some point we were happy and he did love me. But in the end, it wasn't enough for him.

I want to find someone that is happy with me, whether I'm fat, skinny, sick, healthy, laughing, or crying. You know, the unconditional love that everyone thinks they have when they enter into a marriage.

Though first I have to be happy with myself, and that is something I'm working on.

This turned into a bunch of ramblings, I had a point when I started typing, and now I'm not sure what it was!

Blah

Today has been one of those days.

It's as if my life is spiraling out of control, and while I have an idea of what I need to do...I don't know what the first step should be.

Then of course there are things that I really can' t control...I can't create my own job, yet I need the job to get my car fixed. Not to mention we have to move out of the house at somepoint.

I have no idea, I'm trying to stay positive, but it's virtually impossible to stay that way.

Hopefully tomorrow is better!!

What a day

When I finally get ok with everything, he goes and does something else to piss me off! Though this time I didn't let it ruin my day. I was actually able to laugh about the fact that she is so insecure, that it is apparently not okay for matthew to be around me for 10 minutes to pick up his daughter, without her being on the phone the whole time.

Today besides all of that, was a simple day, I baked some valentine's day cookies. I am trying to find the perfect sugar cookie recipe for Chloes 1st Birthday part which will be here in a little over 3 months. This recipe was okay, I didn't like that they didn't rise, but they stayed soft and I was thrilled that I was actually able to roll the dough and use cookie cutters!

I cut up my vegetables for part of the week. One of my new years resolutions Every.Single. Year is to lose weight. This year, I have a crap ton of stuff going on, but damnit I have to do something. I couldn't even imagine trying to go on a date, with the way I feel about myself. It is finally time to love me, and do the things that I need and /or want to do. Guys can wait!

Today is the 2nd day in a row chloe has gone to bed before 10, which gives me hope that maybe, just maybe I can get us on a routine, which is too include daily exercising for me! Which brings me to my next thing...I am SO beyond ready for spring! I feel like I'm trapped in this house with the cold and snow. I want my flip flops, evening walks, and playful park trips!

I am looking forward to our future...Me and Chloe!

Feeling good

I have felt better today, then I have in a long time. For the first time, I wasn't completely wrapped up in my thoughts of the last 2.5 months. 2.5 months...thats it, on the one hand it seems soo long and yet I remember it as clear as yesterday.

I was able to get things accomplished that I had just pushed off to the backburner. Lets face it, when it seems as though your whole world has crashed, you are not as worried about the toys on the floor, or the toothepaste in the sink. Disgusting? Yes. Reality. Yes. Pitiful? Pretty much. Lol.

I was able to get some cleaning done, some relaxing, and some 'me' time all in one day! It felt awsome. I hope to be more like the old me...the me that accomplished things, and took pride in her home being cleaned, and doing the things that I needed to do.

I have a lot planned for this year, and I will get it all done, or at least started!! Though I have also learned not to stress out, or think about things as much. No matter how many ways I try to plan something, it's never going to happen 100% to that plan. So I will have a general idea, and go with the flow.

You have to live one day at a time...

How did I end up here?

In June of 2003 I met matthew in a yahoo chat room. After talking for a few weeks we started talking on the phone. Come to find out, we went to the same school, had lived in the same neighborhood at the same time, my brother had been to his house, and my friends knew him, yet I had never met him! We continued talking on the phone until the first day of school where he met me in my 1st block class. Lol. On 9/3/03, he officially asked me out.

In 2006 he proposed. On 12/31/2006 we got married. I loved the idea of entering the new year as a Mrs., and was so happy to be with the love of my life. In June 2007 we bought a house. In August of 2008 I lost my job, and in September 2008, we found out I was pregnant.

I was a wife, had a beautiful home, and was going to finally fufill my dream of being a mom.While we definately had our struggles, I knew together, we could make it work.

May finally came and though a week to the date late, our baby girl finally arrived! Matthew seemed so happy, well everyone did. I was exhausted no doubt, but I was on cloud 9. Everything seemed right.

In October 2009 I took a temporary position working nights,with the thought that things would be easier financially. I was tired of struggling. Matthew was great, he would keep the baby in the morning to let me sleep in as long as possible, and he kept her when he got off of work.

Though, things aren't always what they seem. Apparently he was no longer happy, yet hadn't said anything to me...I was oblivious to anything being wrong, until one sunday our day off together, he was acting completely off. I tried to talk to him, I tried to be around him, I tried to do stuff with him and he acted as though he didn't want anything to do with me.

So the prodding began...I asked him what was wrong at least 20 times that day, always the same response 'nothings wrong'. Until bedtime that night, I finally just asked him 'do you not want to be with me anymore'....my mind was racing, what was his answer going to be...I was expecting..'of course I want to be with you, why are you asking such a silly question'. Only to have my world turned upside down when he responded with 'well, I don't think so'.

I was crushed. This turned into a 3 hour cry/yell/curse fest. How could he be doing this to me, to our little girl? I did not want this for us. It's not fair. He moved out 2 days later on 12/8/2009. I tried, and tried some more 'we can work on this', 'why don't you love me'. He couldn't or wouldn't answer my questions. The only response I could get was 'I don't know'.

It has been 10, almost 11 weeks and I still feel lost. Somedays, I cry, somedays I don't. Somedays I miss him, somedays I don't. Somedays it simply depends on the hour as to how I feel.

Though now my thoughts are clearer. This is his loss, he will never find someone to love him as much as I loved him. He won't have the oppertunity to see our little girl every single day. And me, I will survive. I will come out stronger for this. I have to. When your a mom you have no choice. Chloe is my whole world now, and that will never change.

One day I hope to be able to tell matthew 'Thank you.' I know our lives will be different without him, but I know that different will be better. Chloe and I both deserve someone who loves us 100% and won't walk out in 5 seconds flat and not think twice about it.

So while I have hurt the last 10 weeks, and will still have my moments of hurt, I will know someday that it was worth it. The matthew that left us, was not the matthew that I married. Though someday in the future he will be replaced, and until then, I will be happy as a Single Mom.

And so my journey begins.