Walking...my baby?

Chloe is 10 months and 7 days old...I think it's safe to say she is walking.

Where has the time gone? It's almost been a year, and holy cow what a year it has been. Most definately not the year I would have imagined.

She has been all over the place since she started crawling at 7 months old, however walking is a whole new ballgame! You can't even hear her when she's coming down the hallway. lol. She gets up and goes wherever she wants, whenever she wants. It started out as a few times a day walking random short places. As of today I don't think I have seen her crawl but mayabe one time.

Somedays I wish I could go back to when she was a newborn, or 4 months old, and redo several decisions I have made. But at last, it can not be done, and I will continue to struggle to be everything she needs.

My baby is almost one...I can't believe it.

I have learned a new word..or should I say...feeling

Resentment.

Somehow I have managed to be positive the last couple of weeks, or at least for the majority of those weeks. Today, not so much. Chloe has not been feeling well which equals baby crankyness....at its worse!!!

On the one hand I feel horrible, because her nose is running, she's tired and fights her sleep, and when she finallly falls asleep for the night she wakes up twice because she can't breathe through her nose. On the other hand...where is MY free time? Where is my time to do what I want? Where is my person to call and say 'hey, shes not feeling good can I bring her home early?'

Q the resenment...while I don't want the life Matthew has. I love chloe to death!!! I do resent him for just being able to walk away and not care. I'm scrambling to find the right words...this has nothing to do with not wanting my little girl, I would never not want her.

However, sometimes I need a break. Twentythree hours a month, or 40 hours a week while I'm at work just isn't enough. Especially on days like yesterday and today. I want to make her better, so we can have fun and yet I don't know what to do. I try to do it all, bottle, nope shes not hungry, play with toys, nope she doesn't want to look at them, nap, hell no she's not going to sleep. WHAT DO I DO?!

He has a car, a job, money, free time, a social life, and a significant other..whom is obviously not me! He left almost 4 months ago and has completely moved on. I don't know if he's actually happy or not, and if he wasn't he wouldn't be telling me...I wouldn't trade my life for his life. However, I wish he would step up and want to be the father that I know he can be. He was a good father when we were together, he played with her, he helped when/if I asked for help. I was able to go out and do stuff, even if I took her with me.

I know these things will get better, I have a job, and I am working. However, I won't have a full paycheck for another 3.5 weeks, which means the next 3.5 weeks will continue to be a struggle. I am SO tired of struggling. And it's not just about money but everything that revolves around the money.

In all of this mess, I just want to be happy.

living life

Today was a great day. I felt like I was actually living, and having fun and not just going through the motions.

My day started at 6:45, with me getting up to the alarm clock instead of chloe hungry for a bottle. For the first time in a long time I did my hair, my makeup and got dressed before she woke up. We were out the door by 8. We shopped from 8:45-11:15...and might I say that was just as fun as the birthday party. Lol. I bought a new outfit just to go to the party, lets face it the clothes I have right now suck!

We arrived at the party an hour early to help set up. I carried chloe, my 20lb child around for nearly 2 hours nonstop, taking pictures too. Lol. That was an interesting juggle. We had lots of fun, from face painting, to ladybug poems, playing, and cake!!

We got home around 5 and let's just say we are both wore out! Chloe missed a nap, and ended up going to bed an hour early. My arms are SO sore, it is rediculous! Then again, I don't usually care around 20lbs for two hours straight or the 40lbs I carried when I carried her in and out of stores in her infant carrier. Wth was I thinking?! Lol!

Soo living today was great, I felt cute, I smiled, I laughed, I had fun. I should feel like this everday, and it shouldn't take shopping or a birthday party to make me feel this way!! I pray that things get better once I start working, they simply have to!

In other news, my sil and I are going to be doing a 15lb challenge...our reward will be a mani, pedi, and higlights! In all reality, lol, we both need to lose weight and want to do these things anyways.

What girl doesn't want a spa day?!

Success!!

So after using our new Munchkin hair rinser product I mentioned in a previous post, we finally have success!

It only took me 4 or 5 times of using it! Tonight there were NO tears when it came time to wash hair. I was so excited we clapped and I was loud with the 'yay, you did it!!' Lol. Bathtime has come a long ways with that little girl!

Tomorrow we have plans to go to her cousins birthday party! So excited, for once I will be out and about and have a 'life'. I'm SO tired of being stuck in this house all day everyday. Once this rain goes away, we will be outside for some more fun. I can't wait!

Each day is getting easier and easier...

Nice weather!

Yesterday was so nice! I have been ready for spring weather for a while now, flip flops and evening walks, what isn't there to love?!

So yesterday I packed up chloe and we walked to the nearest park. I failed to realize there were no swings, until we got there! lol. Needless to say without swings there is a whole lot for a 9.5 month old infant to do! So we walked around, and then walked home.

What a relief it is to know that she likes her stroller. Last year, she hated it and cried every.single.time I tried to go for a walk!

Today was nice, but windy and since her poor little sensitive cheeks get wind burned, we opted not to go outside to play! Though we had adventures in the house, she is *so* close to walking! She has been randomly taking 3-4 steps to get to something and has gone up to 7 steps all by herself before falling down!

Walking is of course one of those milestones you look forward to and yet, once it starts it doesn't stop. haha. She is growing up so fast!! Where they heck has the time gone?! I wish I could go back to the day I had her, and enjoy every little second even more then I did.

I love her to pieces!

Day 1

Every new years, I have had the same resolution...are you ready for it? I want to lose weight! The problem is, I can exercise and eat good for one whole week...then some magic poof throws it all away.

Now that I'm going to be single...I need to make this happen for real! I almost never feel pretty, the little bit of clothes I have don't fit right, and lets face it...who wants to buy clothes in the next size or two up? NOT I.

So today, is day 1 of the 30 Day Shred by Jillian Michaels. Let's just say...my ass got kicked in all of 20 minutes or so! How pathetic. I weighed in this morning, and will do so again in 30 days. Hoping for some change!

Along with doing the dvd, I will be eating better!! My sweet tooth will be fufilled by apples, bananas, and oranges. All of my raw veggies for the week are cut up to include, 1 green pepper, 1 cucumber, 1 head of cauliflower, celery, and a bag of baby carrots. Yum!!

I am ready to do this!!

Feeling lost

Alright, so I've not been blogging regularly. Mainly because my good times are as comon as the bad.

I try so hard to stay positive, and yet it takes 1 little thought to turn my whole hour, or day upside down. I still miss all of the small things. Though at this point it's not him that has me down, it's the circumstances that he left me in...My car does not run well at all. I stopped driving it at 7 months pregnant because I felt unsafe in it...so it sat in the driveway for a year. He told me for months before leaving me that I didn't have to work at all, I could stay at home with the baby. When he left...his response to my vehicle not running..."that is no longer my problem"...asshole! The job I was working at when he left was temporary...in fact it ended 2 weeks after he left...wtf. Which leads to our house...the month he moved out the mortgage didn't get paid, and I had no job..guess what...it is a matter of time before it goes into foreclosure.

Recap...he left me with a job ending in two weeks, no running vehicle, a house I couldn't afford and our 6 month old daughter to take care of! He deserves husband/father of the year award...how is it that I married this guy. Though I know he is NOT the man I married, he looks the same but everything that comes out of his mouth makes you feel as though your talking to a stranger.

However, I'm supposed to be starting a job at the end of the month, I'm both nervous and excited! I really want to do something with myself, so I can provide Chloe the life she deserves. I also never want to be dependent on another man, and be stuck in my current position.

While there is the future to look forward to and it is finally looking better, I have felt trapped. Trapped in this house, that I will miss, and yet look forward to getting out of. The hardest thing to let go of in all of this, is the dreams I had for our family, in our home, in the future. I've spend 6 years dreaming and planning for our family. As everyone likes to point out, I don't have to give up my dreams, I just have to make them with someone else. Somehow they fail to realize that he was a part of my dream. He was my childrens' father. Now, if I have anymore kids, it will be with someone else. Someone else in which I have no idea who it could be.

The unknown is the scariest thing of all. Can I survive as a single mom? Can I provide my daughter with everything she needs and wants? Can I make her proud to call me mommy? Will I ever find someone who loves me enough to not want to be with someone else? Will I ever fully get over him? Will I be able to wake up, look at the sun and my daughter, and be happy with the life I have?

I am SO happy to have my daughter, I want to make her proud of me! I know that no one can change this me, I want it to change, but I need to find the strength to make it happen.

Life is a journey, that is so unpredictable!

Chloe's Hair and bathtime...

Bathtime has almost always been something I did. I think he may have helped once or twice, in the whole 6.5 months he was around. Chloe hated her infant tub, so she started taking baths me. I was finally able to get her to take a bath in the duck tub!

The fact that she has a lot of hair, has always been an issue at bathtime. The problem...she hates the water being poured on her head. Of course the shampoo has to be rinced out, thus the crying every.single.time. Try as I may to keep the water out of her face, I'm not always successful.

I bought this http://www.munchkin.com/products/detail.html?section=prodCategories&ID=10000&pID=1257from Target. Tonight was the first time we tried it. She cried, but I loved the fact that the water didn't get in her face. So we will continue to try it, with the hopes of one day she will just get used to it.

There's not a whole going on really. Our typical day starts at 7:30 with 2 naps, 5 bottles, solids 3 times a day and lots of play! Hopefully soon, that will include a job for me, and babysitter time for Chloe. :).