It's all of the small things...

It has been a rough few days. See, I go through hours, sometimes days where I know I CAN and I WILL be okay being a single mom. Then I have hours and days where I feel helpless,hopless, giving up. I want nothing more then to give up, give up on everything. Her little smile, laugh, and cries let me know that I can't, I can't give up not on her, or me. I have to survive being a single mom for her. Not anyone else.

It has been 12 weeks today, since my world came crashing down on me. Twelve whole weeks, such a short time in the grand scheme of things, but oh so long. It's been 12 weeks and 1 day since I heard 'I love you', Or I held his hand, or knew that we were okay. Twelve weeks compared to 6 years. No wonder I still have my hours..my days, where I just don't know what the hell to do with myself. I miss him, I love him. I want him to come home. The catch...I want the him that I fell in love with and married. Not the him that he is now.

I miss the small things, and it's thinking about the small things that make me cry, and piss me off all in the same breath. When I first met matthew, he was 'matt'. I was told very early on in our relationship, after accidentaly calling him matthew, that he was only matthew to 'special' people. So matt it was. At some point along the line I achieved 'special' and he was matthew...Now that I'm not 'special' I can't go back to matt, its just not natural.

Our relationship started out with a great deal of talking on the phone, our conversations ended with *3* kisses before getting off the phone. Even as adults married for 3 years, we ended our conversations with *3* kisses. In fact, if one of us didn't give those kisses before hanging up, the other person called back immediately...'what's wrong?'. Silly? Yes, but it was so us. I got teased about those kisses *forever*. Forever, 6 years is too short of a forever to me. I wanted the real forever....the forever that doesn't end.

I miss the goodnight kisses, I miss holding hands, I miss his laughter and smile. I miss him making me smile and laugh. I miss him always knowing something was wrong, even if I didn't want to talk about it at that moment, his persistance in finding out what was wrong. Doing whatever he could in order to make it better. I miss the cuddling, I miss the silly bickering. I miss popping in on him at work an seeing him just smile at me. I miss him inroducing me as his wife, I miss him calling me 'my love'. It wasn't until we'd been married for a year and some odd months that my 13 year old sister in law told me that, matthew had gone around all day everyday talking about 'my love'. Whatever it was, 'my love did this today, I can't wait to see my love tomorrow'. Once I knew of that, 'my love' was said all of the time. Right along with 'ses'. Lol. Somehow 'ses' was our version of sexy. We also called eachother 'booboo'. I don't even remember how that one came about, but it stuck. 'I love you booboo.' What I wouldn't give to hear him say that, and mean it.

Why can't this be a horrible nightmare that I'm about to wake up from? Why? Why me? Why our little family?I'm not sure I will ever know those answers.

What I do know is that someday, I will have those small things with someone else. Someone else who will love me for me, and who won't want to be with someone else the second they get the chance to. Someone who will want to spend time with me and my daughter and any subsequent children. Someone that wants the world for our family, and would do anything to give it to us.

So while, I've been surviving the last 12 weeks, I've not been living.

Living is what I want, living happily.

Yesterday I didn't, today I can, and tomorrow I will...

ramblings....

If it wasn't for chloe, the day he left, I would have been curled in a ball for a week or two and then skipped town. But when you have a baby, you just can't do things the way you want to do them, you have to do them for your baby.

So while in general the days are getting easier, there are still certain times that I look at Chloe and feel bad for her. I did not want her to go from home to home the rest of her life. I do not like the fact that she will to a degree have a part of her life that I won't know what she's doing, what she's been fed, if she is feeling okay. In all reality, I know that would have happened at some point as she got older, but it's not supposed to happen now, she is not even 9 months old yet! I hate this for her.

As much as I hate him right now, there are certain things that I was waiting for to happen, things that I thought would make me happy. Today one of those things happened, and while I had several times said I would laugh when it happened, I didn't. I felt bad for him. He has thrown everything away but his job. He threw away our marriage, our house, his bike, being able to see his daughter on a daily basis. He can replace the material things, but he will never be able to replace his daughter, or seeing her everday. Yet at the same time, these are decisions he made. And yet somehow, while he is out living the life that he thinks he wants, I have sat at home, hurting.

While I would never wish physical harm on him, the hurt part of me wants him to feel the hurt that he has made me feel. I want someone that he trully loves, because I now question how long or how deep he ever loved me, to leave him at the drop of a hat with no notice. Yet if the truth be told, by the time it is likely happen, I will have moved on and it won't matter to me anymore.

Everyday gets easier, but there are minutes, sometimes hours that are still hard. Sometimes I still picture him coming home from work, or something he did with chloe. I look at her and I see him. I will forever have a reminder of him. I want her to know that at some point we were happy and he did love me. But in the end, it wasn't enough for him.

I want to find someone that is happy with me, whether I'm fat, skinny, sick, healthy, laughing, or crying. You know, the unconditional love that everyone thinks they have when they enter into a marriage.

Though first I have to be happy with myself, and that is something I'm working on.

This turned into a bunch of ramblings, I had a point when I started typing, and now I'm not sure what it was!

Blah

Today has been one of those days.

It's as if my life is spiraling out of control, and while I have an idea of what I need to do...I don't know what the first step should be.

Then of course there are things that I really can' t control...I can't create my own job, yet I need the job to get my car fixed. Not to mention we have to move out of the house at somepoint.

I have no idea, I'm trying to stay positive, but it's virtually impossible to stay that way.

Hopefully tomorrow is better!!

What a day

When I finally get ok with everything, he goes and does something else to piss me off! Though this time I didn't let it ruin my day. I was actually able to laugh about the fact that she is so insecure, that it is apparently not okay for matthew to be around me for 10 minutes to pick up his daughter, without her being on the phone the whole time.

Today besides all of that, was a simple day, I baked some valentine's day cookies. I am trying to find the perfect sugar cookie recipe for Chloes 1st Birthday part which will be here in a little over 3 months. This recipe was okay, I didn't like that they didn't rise, but they stayed soft and I was thrilled that I was actually able to roll the dough and use cookie cutters!

I cut up my vegetables for part of the week. One of my new years resolutions Every.Single. Year is to lose weight. This year, I have a crap ton of stuff going on, but damnit I have to do something. I couldn't even imagine trying to go on a date, with the way I feel about myself. It is finally time to love me, and do the things that I need and /or want to do. Guys can wait!

Today is the 2nd day in a row chloe has gone to bed before 10, which gives me hope that maybe, just maybe I can get us on a routine, which is too include daily exercising for me! Which brings me to my next thing...I am SO beyond ready for spring! I feel like I'm trapped in this house with the cold and snow. I want my flip flops, evening walks, and playful park trips!

I am looking forward to our future...Me and Chloe!

Feeling good

I have felt better today, then I have in a long time. For the first time, I wasn't completely wrapped up in my thoughts of the last 2.5 months. 2.5 months...thats it, on the one hand it seems soo long and yet I remember it as clear as yesterday.

I was able to get things accomplished that I had just pushed off to the backburner. Lets face it, when it seems as though your whole world has crashed, you are not as worried about the toys on the floor, or the toothepaste in the sink. Disgusting? Yes. Reality. Yes. Pitiful? Pretty much. Lol.

I was able to get some cleaning done, some relaxing, and some 'me' time all in one day! It felt awsome. I hope to be more like the old me...the me that accomplished things, and took pride in her home being cleaned, and doing the things that I needed to do.

I have a lot planned for this year, and I will get it all done, or at least started!! Though I have also learned not to stress out, or think about things as much. No matter how many ways I try to plan something, it's never going to happen 100% to that plan. So I will have a general idea, and go with the flow.

You have to live one day at a time...

How did I end up here?

In June of 2003 I met matthew in a yahoo chat room. After talking for a few weeks we started talking on the phone. Come to find out, we went to the same school, had lived in the same neighborhood at the same time, my brother had been to his house, and my friends knew him, yet I had never met him! We continued talking on the phone until the first day of school where he met me in my 1st block class. Lol. On 9/3/03, he officially asked me out.

In 2006 he proposed. On 12/31/2006 we got married. I loved the idea of entering the new year as a Mrs., and was so happy to be with the love of my life. In June 2007 we bought a house. In August of 2008 I lost my job, and in September 2008, we found out I was pregnant.

I was a wife, had a beautiful home, and was going to finally fufill my dream of being a mom.While we definately had our struggles, I knew together, we could make it work.

May finally came and though a week to the date late, our baby girl finally arrived! Matthew seemed so happy, well everyone did. I was exhausted no doubt, but I was on cloud 9. Everything seemed right.

In October 2009 I took a temporary position working nights,with the thought that things would be easier financially. I was tired of struggling. Matthew was great, he would keep the baby in the morning to let me sleep in as long as possible, and he kept her when he got off of work.

Though, things aren't always what they seem. Apparently he was no longer happy, yet hadn't said anything to me...I was oblivious to anything being wrong, until one sunday our day off together, he was acting completely off. I tried to talk to him, I tried to be around him, I tried to do stuff with him and he acted as though he didn't want anything to do with me.

So the prodding began...I asked him what was wrong at least 20 times that day, always the same response 'nothings wrong'. Until bedtime that night, I finally just asked him 'do you not want to be with me anymore'....my mind was racing, what was his answer going to be...I was expecting..'of course I want to be with you, why are you asking such a silly question'. Only to have my world turned upside down when he responded with 'well, I don't think so'.

I was crushed. This turned into a 3 hour cry/yell/curse fest. How could he be doing this to me, to our little girl? I did not want this for us. It's not fair. He moved out 2 days later on 12/8/2009. I tried, and tried some more 'we can work on this', 'why don't you love me'. He couldn't or wouldn't answer my questions. The only response I could get was 'I don't know'.

It has been 10, almost 11 weeks and I still feel lost. Somedays, I cry, somedays I don't. Somedays I miss him, somedays I don't. Somedays it simply depends on the hour as to how I feel.

Though now my thoughts are clearer. This is his loss, he will never find someone to love him as much as I loved him. He won't have the oppertunity to see our little girl every single day. And me, I will survive. I will come out stronger for this. I have to. When your a mom you have no choice. Chloe is my whole world now, and that will never change.

One day I hope to be able to tell matthew 'Thank you.' I know our lives will be different without him, but I know that different will be better. Chloe and I both deserve someone who loves us 100% and won't walk out in 5 seconds flat and not think twice about it.

So while I have hurt the last 10 weeks, and will still have my moments of hurt, I will know someday that it was worth it. The matthew that left us, was not the matthew that I married. Though someday in the future he will be replaced, and until then, I will be happy as a Single Mom.

And so my journey begins.