I don't know if it is mean, the relationships I get in, or a bit of both. When H left I shut down, and shut out some people. There was one person I consistantly talked to, but the relationship is getting harder and harder.
It's hard for someone to understand what it's like to be a single parent, when they've not experienced it. That is just the truth. You are responsible for doing everything on your own, from working, to taking care of the baby, to grocery shopping, and maintaing a home. I'm exhausted personally. Not to mention I'm still not over the emotional aspect of being divorced and single, and everything that has come along with it.
Now on top of all of that, I don't currently have my own transportation, nor do I know anyone other then our m-f babysitter and my mother. So going out to do things has been nearly impossible. I borrow my moms car when I can, but it's not often, and it's usually not for long since she may have plans!
All of these things have been weighing on our relationship and it's become so frustrating that I'm just ready to give up. Yet the idea of that makes me sad. I care about this friend, and I don't want to be friendless.
Which leads me to not feeling like I'm good enough for anyone. I guess in some part I'm not considering I am so unhappy with myself. It is hard to stay positive, but I am trying hard to do so!
Letting nature take its course can be so hard, and yet sometimes we have no say in it. I hope I don't lose this friendship forever, and at the same time, I'm so tired of trying to cater to everyone else....Why is it all so complicated?!
Tomorrow starts a new week, and I'm so ready for it!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
"I know how you feel."
Do you, do you really?
I think the fact that your husband is sitting next to you, you have no idea how I feel!!
There are sometimes that it would be best not to say anything at all, then to say something that is not true.
Maybe it's because I am still in the process of getting a divorce, but when I hear someone say "I know how you feel", and in reality you know they have no idea, it just pisses me off. Unless you have personally been through a divorce you have NO idea what I am going through. It's so easy to judge someone elses situation.
I had someone tell me they couldn't understand why I was keeping pictures of me and him and that if they were in the situation they would have burned everything. First of all, he will always be apart of my past, you can't erase those memories. Second of all, we do have a daughter together, and I would like for her to know that we were in love and happy at one point in our life, and she wasn't brought into an unloving family. He was so excited the day I got my bfp (big fat positive=pregnancy test) that he didn't want to wait the 12 weeks I wanted to wait to tell everyone, but agreed to. Within 24 hours he was soo excited that he begged me to let him tell his mom which meant we had to tell everyone.
Just because you can sit back and say "If my husband did that to me, I would be so over him and not worried/think about him anymore." My question for you is, do you really love your husband? I had virtually no control over this. In the end it all came down to what he wanted. He walked away and he destroyed our family. This is NOT by any means what I wanted. You have no idea what you would do if you were put in this position, and I hope that you never are.
I really wish people would stop and think before they just verbally throw up.
I think the fact that your husband is sitting next to you, you have no idea how I feel!!
There are sometimes that it would be best not to say anything at all, then to say something that is not true.
Maybe it's because I am still in the process of getting a divorce, but when I hear someone say "I know how you feel", and in reality you know they have no idea, it just pisses me off. Unless you have personally been through a divorce you have NO idea what I am going through. It's so easy to judge someone elses situation.
I had someone tell me they couldn't understand why I was keeping pictures of me and him and that if they were in the situation they would have burned everything. First of all, he will always be apart of my past, you can't erase those memories. Second of all, we do have a daughter together, and I would like for her to know that we were in love and happy at one point in our life, and she wasn't brought into an unloving family. He was so excited the day I got my bfp (big fat positive=pregnancy test) that he didn't want to wait the 12 weeks I wanted to wait to tell everyone, but agreed to. Within 24 hours he was soo excited that he begged me to let him tell his mom which meant we had to tell everyone.
Just because you can sit back and say "If my husband did that to me, I would be so over him and not worried/think about him anymore." My question for you is, do you really love your husband? I had virtually no control over this. In the end it all came down to what he wanted. He walked away and he destroyed our family. This is NOT by any means what I wanted. You have no idea what you would do if you were put in this position, and I hope that you never are.
I really wish people would stop and think before they just verbally throw up.
Monday, April 12, 2010
the struggles...I'm feeling them...
Is there really 24 hours in a day?
Can someone make that 30 hours in a day? Please...with a cherry on top?!
My day goes a little something like this...get up at 5am, get ready, wake the baby at 6, get her ready. At 6:30 we are on the way to the babysitters, drop her off, get to work by 7. The day drags until 3:30 when I get off, go straight to pick up the baby. Then its either to the store, pick up my brother, or go home play with Chloe. Around 5:30ish start dinner. By 6:15 or 6:30 we are in the car to pick up my mom for lunch break. Come 7ish we are having dinner. Then it's time to clean up dinner, get a bath, pack for the next day, clean. THEN I try to squeeze in some me time, but that me time cuts into my sleep time.
I do realize that this is a pretty typical life...but whyyy am I struggling?! The 5 hours of sleep a night is not cutting it anymore. It's starting to catch up with me, and the only way I see getting anymore, is giving up the little bit of *me* time that I get. Somehow I can not seem to talk myself into that one.
I've also come to realize that while my days are getting better, I am surpressing too much emotions. All of my anger/frustrations towards matthew get ignored until they build up so high that I explode. Then it appears as though I spend all day everyday thinking about him, when in reality I try so hard not to think about him.
I know I will be okay, that one day I can be happy. I just don't know when that someday will be, and at this point I wish I could push fast forward! I have been planning Chloe's birthday and it's so hard. It reminds of me of the dreams I had for our family, and he ripped those same dreams away. I had envisioned our backyard with Chloes swingset, a pool, her bycycle. Of course she will be able to have those things one day. But they won't be with our family, they won't be in this home, or this yard, and I have so much anger towards him for that. I have anger towards him for making me go 48 hours without seeing her (when he does finally get overnights). For making her have to split the holidays between his family and mine instead of OURS. The fact that if she ever has siblings, they will have a different father/mother then she does. HE took this all away from me, and I had NO say so in it. It just isn't fair. It's been 4 months and I'm still struggling.
Not sure how this post got turned this way. Only that I am doing okay...even with the struggles. I am trying so hard to be happy. I will keep trying and one day, I won't have to try, I will just be able to live....or so I hope.
Somedays, I feel as though I'm all alone in this journey....
Can someone make that 30 hours in a day? Please...with a cherry on top?!
My day goes a little something like this...get up at 5am, get ready, wake the baby at 6, get her ready. At 6:30 we are on the way to the babysitters, drop her off, get to work by 7. The day drags until 3:30 when I get off, go straight to pick up the baby. Then its either to the store, pick up my brother, or go home play with Chloe. Around 5:30ish start dinner. By 6:15 or 6:30 we are in the car to pick up my mom for lunch break. Come 7ish we are having dinner. Then it's time to clean up dinner, get a bath, pack for the next day, clean. THEN I try to squeeze in some me time, but that me time cuts into my sleep time.
I do realize that this is a pretty typical life...but whyyy am I struggling?! The 5 hours of sleep a night is not cutting it anymore. It's starting to catch up with me, and the only way I see getting anymore, is giving up the little bit of *me* time that I get. Somehow I can not seem to talk myself into that one.
I've also come to realize that while my days are getting better, I am surpressing too much emotions. All of my anger/frustrations towards matthew get ignored until they build up so high that I explode. Then it appears as though I spend all day everyday thinking about him, when in reality I try so hard not to think about him.
I know I will be okay, that one day I can be happy. I just don't know when that someday will be, and at this point I wish I could push fast forward! I have been planning Chloe's birthday and it's so hard. It reminds of me of the dreams I had for our family, and he ripped those same dreams away. I had envisioned our backyard with Chloes swingset, a pool, her bycycle. Of course she will be able to have those things one day. But they won't be with our family, they won't be in this home, or this yard, and I have so much anger towards him for that. I have anger towards him for making me go 48 hours without seeing her (when he does finally get overnights). For making her have to split the holidays between his family and mine instead of OURS. The fact that if she ever has siblings, they will have a different father/mother then she does. HE took this all away from me, and I had NO say so in it. It just isn't fair. It's been 4 months and I'm still struggling.
Not sure how this post got turned this way. Only that I am doing okay...even with the struggles. I am trying so hard to be happy. I will keep trying and one day, I won't have to try, I will just be able to live....or so I hope.
Somedays, I feel as though I'm all alone in this journey....
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
1 step forward...2 steps back...
I have been dreaming of spring, the cool breezes, the green grass, the pretty flowers blooming, evening walks around the neighborhood, and walking barefooted!
Now it's come, and while I'm enjoying it..the warmer it gets the more I hear that sound...I never expected so many small or silly things to take me back. Back to feeling like I will never be over him, and that the last one or two or three weeks of doing okay, or good is all wiped away.
As I hear it get louder, then switch gears, then it takes off down the road...all of these damn motorcycles have me on the verges of tears. I wish I would have rode the damn thing with him more then the 2 times that I did. I was so scared. Scared that something horrible would happen and that I would regret it, or worse yet something horrible would happen and I wouldn't have the chance to regret it...now I regret not riding with him.
Today marks 4 months to the date of him telling me he didn't want to be with me anymore, that he didn't love me. I remember it like it was yesterday. I yelled at him, cursed at him, and repeat for 3 hours...I wanted to do the classic movie scene where the woman burries her head in the guys chest and pounds his chest crying the whole time. At the same time, I just wanted him to hold me. Instead, I sat on the opposite end of the couch telling him everything I could think of, every feeling I could feel. But, of course, it feels like forever ago too. How have I managed to survive 4 months, that is 1/3 of a year?! Yet, I still can't imagine being with anyone else.
All of this leads me to wishing. Wishing I knew when I will be over him, completely. What if I never am? What if I really do love him forever? How will I love anyone else as much as I loved him? Will anyone else want to be with me? Will anyone else love me?
All of these questions left unanswered only to be answered with time. Sometimes I think I have too much time, and sometimes not enough.
I've got the best part of him that I ever could have asked for. I see her , I play with her, sing to her, rock her, kiss her, hold her, hug her, laugh with her, take care of her each and every single day. She's my whole world, and if all of this had to happen in order to have her, I wouldn't have it any other way.
Now it's come, and while I'm enjoying it..the warmer it gets the more I hear that sound...I never expected so many small or silly things to take me back. Back to feeling like I will never be over him, and that the last one or two or three weeks of doing okay, or good is all wiped away.
As I hear it get louder, then switch gears, then it takes off down the road...all of these damn motorcycles have me on the verges of tears. I wish I would have rode the damn thing with him more then the 2 times that I did. I was so scared. Scared that something horrible would happen and that I would regret it, or worse yet something horrible would happen and I wouldn't have the chance to regret it...now I regret not riding with him.
Today marks 4 months to the date of him telling me he didn't want to be with me anymore, that he didn't love me. I remember it like it was yesterday. I yelled at him, cursed at him, and repeat for 3 hours...I wanted to do the classic movie scene where the woman burries her head in the guys chest and pounds his chest crying the whole time. At the same time, I just wanted him to hold me. Instead, I sat on the opposite end of the couch telling him everything I could think of, every feeling I could feel. But, of course, it feels like forever ago too. How have I managed to survive 4 months, that is 1/3 of a year?! Yet, I still can't imagine being with anyone else.
All of this leads me to wishing. Wishing I knew when I will be over him, completely. What if I never am? What if I really do love him forever? How will I love anyone else as much as I loved him? Will anyone else want to be with me? Will anyone else love me?
All of these questions left unanswered only to be answered with time. Sometimes I think I have too much time, and sometimes not enough.
I've got the best part of him that I ever could have asked for. I see her , I play with her, sing to her, rock her, kiss her, hold her, hug her, laugh with her, take care of her each and every single day. She's my whole world, and if all of this had to happen in order to have her, I wouldn't have it any other way.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Self esteem or the lack thereof...
I have never had very good self esteem. I became overweight as a 4th grader.
Needless to say, I'm 22 soon to be 23 and still overweight. It is hard not to wonder what part this had in our divorce. When he left, I was 60lbs heavier then I was in high school when we first met. I was uncomfortable with myself in high school...can you imagine how I felt 4 months ago, at my heaviest!
The first two weeks that he left I lost 12lbs. He has been gone, almost 4 months and I've only lost 2 more. How rediculous! I want so badly to do this. Mainly for myself and the ability to chase chloe around and play all of the things that she wants to play. I don't want to be the fat mom sitting on the side too embarrassed to stand up and cheer their child on!
So today, I came home from work, cleaned, worked out, and took a bath. I decided since I had no clean clothes, I would wear the one and only skirt I have that fits. When He arrived to drop off Chloe he did a double take to see what exactly I was wearing...such a small detail, but it made me feel great!!! One day I want him to pick up Chloe and have to do 3, 4, 5 glances because I have changed so much! I'm so tired of being the fat girl.
I want to feel cute and comfortable and be able to buy the cute clothes! I want to be able to walk around with a guy and be happy, smiling, cheerful and not wondering what every.single.person is thinking about me as I walk by.
I deserve this, but only I can make the changes...and I'm finally ready to commit!
Needless to say, I'm 22 soon to be 23 and still overweight. It is hard not to wonder what part this had in our divorce. When he left, I was 60lbs heavier then I was in high school when we first met. I was uncomfortable with myself in high school...can you imagine how I felt 4 months ago, at my heaviest!
The first two weeks that he left I lost 12lbs. He has been gone, almost 4 months and I've only lost 2 more. How rediculous! I want so badly to do this. Mainly for myself and the ability to chase chloe around and play all of the things that she wants to play. I don't want to be the fat mom sitting on the side too embarrassed to stand up and cheer their child on!
So today, I came home from work, cleaned, worked out, and took a bath. I decided since I had no clean clothes, I would wear the one and only skirt I have that fits. When He arrived to drop off Chloe he did a double take to see what exactly I was wearing...such a small detail, but it made me feel great!!! One day I want him to pick up Chloe and have to do 3, 4, 5 glances because I have changed so much! I'm so tired of being the fat girl.
I want to feel cute and comfortable and be able to buy the cute clothes! I want to be able to walk around with a guy and be happy, smiling, cheerful and not wondering what every.single.person is thinking about me as I walk by.
I deserve this, but only I can make the changes...and I'm finally ready to commit!
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