Call me bitter, jealous, immature, I'm sure there are a million and one words that would fit. It has been one heck of an off week and I just can't seem to get it together. Maybe it's mother nature, maybe it's just one of those weeks, maybe I'm reaching a breaking point...not quite sure, but something has got to give.
If I'm going to be completely honest in this post, I'm going to be upfront...I would be beyond embarrassed if anyone in my real life knew that I felt this way, but I have got to let it out somewhere!! I still wake up in disbelief that this is my life. WTF did I do to deserve all of this? I'm a mess...still, is this even normal?! I'm 23, soon to be 24, going through a divorce, house foreclosing, living with my mother, and trying to maintain some part of normalcy...all while working full time, going to school full time and being a single mom. I think, maybe, just maybe, I'm insane. If it's not one thing, it's another, such is life, but boy, each day is a rollercoaster.
I have friends who are now having kids, and it makes me happy for them, but it is yet another reason that I would like to punch him. I have always wanted my kids 2 years apart, and as my sweet baby girl turns 2 next month (holy sh!t) I know that to responsibly have another child, I will have to wait until she is 6 or 7 years old. It litterally makes me sick to my stomach!
The fact that I am once again living with a parent, and not able to financially support my daughter and myself is something that I beat myself up for everyday. I can.not.stand.it. My goal is to be on my own within the next year. Yet, at the same time I honestly don't know if being on my own is going to make things better or worse.
I question every.single.thought I have. It's as if I don't trust myself anymore, because of the mess I am in. I know that to a certain degree all of this is my fault. I most definately don't want to struggle to make things better, only to find myself in a similar or worse situation.
Last but not least...as unhppy as I have always been with my weight, I can not, for the life of me, find the motivation/desire/energy to do anything about it. Part of me wants to not care at all, so that I can just completely give up, accept the fact that I'm going to be fat forever, move on, and buy more fat clothes. The other part of me so badly wants to lose weight so that I can buy the cute clothes, and feel comfortable going out, and heaven forbid, possilby go on a date.
Speaking of dating, I am so not ready to, but I have finally reached the 'I'm lonely' phase. It sucks.
At the end of every day, I know that I'm the only one that can make the changes that I need to make in order to better my life, as well as my daughters. I am seriously considering looking into counseling. At least someone can confirm that I am either completely off of my rocker, or as close to normal as normal can be...what the verdict would be, I'm honestly not sure.
As I finish this post, it is easy to remember why I started this blog. While, I may not write the way some people would like, or I may not say things that some people would like to read, it is a way to expess myself, and sometimes you just need to share the good, bad, and the ugly. Sometimes it's a lot easier to do so, with strangers who choose to, or not to read it.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
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