ramblings....

If it wasn't for chloe, the day he left, I would have been curled in a ball for a week or two and then skipped town. But when you have a baby, you just can't do things the way you want to do them, you have to do them for your baby.

So while in general the days are getting easier, there are still certain times that I look at Chloe and feel bad for her. I did not want her to go from home to home the rest of her life. I do not like the fact that she will to a degree have a part of her life that I won't know what she's doing, what she's been fed, if she is feeling okay. In all reality, I know that would have happened at some point as she got older, but it's not supposed to happen now, she is not even 9 months old yet! I hate this for her.

As much as I hate him right now, there are certain things that I was waiting for to happen, things that I thought would make me happy. Today one of those things happened, and while I had several times said I would laugh when it happened, I didn't. I felt bad for him. He has thrown everything away but his job. He threw away our marriage, our house, his bike, being able to see his daughter on a daily basis. He can replace the material things, but he will never be able to replace his daughter, or seeing her everday. Yet at the same time, these are decisions he made. And yet somehow, while he is out living the life that he thinks he wants, I have sat at home, hurting.

While I would never wish physical harm on him, the hurt part of me wants him to feel the hurt that he has made me feel. I want someone that he trully loves, because I now question how long or how deep he ever loved me, to leave him at the drop of a hat with no notice. Yet if the truth be told, by the time it is likely happen, I will have moved on and it won't matter to me anymore.

Everyday gets easier, but there are minutes, sometimes hours that are still hard. Sometimes I still picture him coming home from work, or something he did with chloe. I look at her and I see him. I will forever have a reminder of him. I want her to know that at some point we were happy and he did love me. But in the end, it wasn't enough for him.

I want to find someone that is happy with me, whether I'm fat, skinny, sick, healthy, laughing, or crying. You know, the unconditional love that everyone thinks they have when they enter into a marriage.

Though first I have to be happy with myself, and that is something I'm working on.

This turned into a bunch of ramblings, I had a point when I started typing, and now I'm not sure what it was!