How did I end up here?

In June of 2003 I met matthew in a yahoo chat room. After talking for a few weeks we started talking on the phone. Come to find out, we went to the same school, had lived in the same neighborhood at the same time, my brother had been to his house, and my friends knew him, yet I had never met him! We continued talking on the phone until the first day of school where he met me in my 1st block class. Lol. On 9/3/03, he officially asked me out.

In 2006 he proposed. On 12/31/2006 we got married. I loved the idea of entering the new year as a Mrs., and was so happy to be with the love of my life. In June 2007 we bought a house. In August of 2008 I lost my job, and in September 2008, we found out I was pregnant.

I was a wife, had a beautiful home, and was going to finally fufill my dream of being a mom.While we definately had our struggles, I knew together, we could make it work.

May finally came and though a week to the date late, our baby girl finally arrived! Matthew seemed so happy, well everyone did. I was exhausted no doubt, but I was on cloud 9. Everything seemed right.

In October 2009 I took a temporary position working nights,with the thought that things would be easier financially. I was tired of struggling. Matthew was great, he would keep the baby in the morning to let me sleep in as long as possible, and he kept her when he got off of work.

Though, things aren't always what they seem. Apparently he was no longer happy, yet hadn't said anything to me...I was oblivious to anything being wrong, until one sunday our day off together, he was acting completely off. I tried to talk to him, I tried to be around him, I tried to do stuff with him and he acted as though he didn't want anything to do with me.

So the prodding began...I asked him what was wrong at least 20 times that day, always the same response 'nothings wrong'. Until bedtime that night, I finally just asked him 'do you not want to be with me anymore'....my mind was racing, what was his answer going to be...I was expecting..'of course I want to be with you, why are you asking such a silly question'. Only to have my world turned upside down when he responded with 'well, I don't think so'.

I was crushed. This turned into a 3 hour cry/yell/curse fest. How could he be doing this to me, to our little girl? I did not want this for us. It's not fair. He moved out 2 days later on 12/8/2009. I tried, and tried some more 'we can work on this', 'why don't you love me'. He couldn't or wouldn't answer my questions. The only response I could get was 'I don't know'.

It has been 10, almost 11 weeks and I still feel lost. Somedays, I cry, somedays I don't. Somedays I miss him, somedays I don't. Somedays it simply depends on the hour as to how I feel.

Though now my thoughts are clearer. This is his loss, he will never find someone to love him as much as I loved him. He won't have the oppertunity to see our little girl every single day. And me, I will survive. I will come out stronger for this. I have to. When your a mom you have no choice. Chloe is my whole world now, and that will never change.

One day I hope to be able to tell matthew 'Thank you.' I know our lives will be different without him, but I know that different will be better. Chloe and I both deserve someone who loves us 100% and won't walk out in 5 seconds flat and not think twice about it.

So while I have hurt the last 10 weeks, and will still have my moments of hurt, I will know someday that it was worth it. The matthew that left us, was not the matthew that I married. Though someday in the future he will be replaced, and until then, I will be happy as a Single Mom.

And so my journey begins.