It's all of the small things...

It has been a rough few days. See, I go through hours, sometimes days where I know I CAN and I WILL be okay being a single mom. Then I have hours and days where I feel helpless,hopless, giving up. I want nothing more then to give up, give up on everything. Her little smile, laugh, and cries let me know that I can't, I can't give up not on her, or me. I have to survive being a single mom for her. Not anyone else.

It has been 12 weeks today, since my world came crashing down on me. Twelve whole weeks, such a short time in the grand scheme of things, but oh so long. It's been 12 weeks and 1 day since I heard 'I love you', Or I held his hand, or knew that we were okay. Twelve weeks compared to 6 years. No wonder I still have my hours..my days, where I just don't know what the hell to do with myself. I miss him, I love him. I want him to come home. The catch...I want the him that I fell in love with and married. Not the him that he is now.

I miss the small things, and it's thinking about the small things that make me cry, and piss me off all in the same breath. When I first met matthew, he was 'matt'. I was told very early on in our relationship, after accidentaly calling him matthew, that he was only matthew to 'special' people. So matt it was. At some point along the line I achieved 'special' and he was matthew...Now that I'm not 'special' I can't go back to matt, its just not natural.

Our relationship started out with a great deal of talking on the phone, our conversations ended with *3* kisses before getting off the phone. Even as adults married for 3 years, we ended our conversations with *3* kisses. In fact, if one of us didn't give those kisses before hanging up, the other person called back immediately...'what's wrong?'. Silly? Yes, but it was so us. I got teased about those kisses *forever*. Forever, 6 years is too short of a forever to me. I wanted the real forever....the forever that doesn't end.

I miss the goodnight kisses, I miss holding hands, I miss his laughter and smile. I miss him making me smile and laugh. I miss him always knowing something was wrong, even if I didn't want to talk about it at that moment, his persistance in finding out what was wrong. Doing whatever he could in order to make it better. I miss the cuddling, I miss the silly bickering. I miss popping in on him at work an seeing him just smile at me. I miss him inroducing me as his wife, I miss him calling me 'my love'. It wasn't until we'd been married for a year and some odd months that my 13 year old sister in law told me that, matthew had gone around all day everyday talking about 'my love'. Whatever it was, 'my love did this today, I can't wait to see my love tomorrow'. Once I knew of that, 'my love' was said all of the time. Right along with 'ses'. Lol. Somehow 'ses' was our version of sexy. We also called eachother 'booboo'. I don't even remember how that one came about, but it stuck. 'I love you booboo.' What I wouldn't give to hear him say that, and mean it.

Why can't this be a horrible nightmare that I'm about to wake up from? Why? Why me? Why our little family?I'm not sure I will ever know those answers.

What I do know is that someday, I will have those small things with someone else. Someone else who will love me for me, and who won't want to be with someone else the second they get the chance to. Someone who will want to spend time with me and my daughter and any subsequent children. Someone that wants the world for our family, and would do anything to give it to us.

So while, I've been surviving the last 12 weeks, I've not been living.

Living is what I want, living happily.

Yesterday I didn't, today I can, and tomorrow I will...