Chloe and I went to visit my dad and family this weekend! It was nice to be out of the house and have something to do. We spent all day saturday shopping, for the first time in ages, and sunday we went to Churchhill downs, my first time ever!
Lots of fun, and things to do, kept my mind off of things. Only, when we visited my grandma at the nursing home, I saw our wedding invitation in a frame on the wall, with a prom picture of us in the corner....I lost it. It's days like Mother's Day, or Chloe's upcoming birthday that make me HATE him. I want to badly to be over him, I just can't seem to find the way to get there 100%. I don't want to hate him, I don't want to love him anymore, I just want to NOT CARE! I want to be so over him, that I don't notice the small stupid things, that he still feels as though he has to lie to me about. How do I get there?!
On another note, it is Mama Monday! Sticking with putting me after Chloe, and not at the bottom of the list, I was able to buy myself some much needed clothes! It's been a while since I've bought clothes...the last time was maternity clothes, and lets face it, no one wants to be wearing them when their 'baby' is turning 1! It's easier to feel good about yourself, when your wearing something cuter then sweatpants and a tshirt. If the truth be told, when he was still around, I was so comfortable that I didn't care. I didn't feel as though I needed to be impressing anyone, when I guess I should have been trying to make sure he was still impressed. HAHA.
When I started this blog, I never thought I would actually keep it up, and even less then that, did I think that people would actually read it. Now as my ticker nears 800, I wonder who is reading my blog and why. Not that it's a bad thing, but I am just 'little' ole' me typing my thoughts and feelings down and yet somehow people maybe all accross the world, lol, are reading it. So, if you would be so kind as to leave a comment, anything that you want to leave, even if it's anonymous, I would love to know why your reading, or what your favorite color is!
Happy later Mother's Day to all of the other mamas!!!
And because I'm random, I'm going to start leaving with a random opinion. Random opinion for tonight...mens razors are 10x better then womens, I think him for leaving a new razor with 2 razorblades behind. LOL
Monday, May 10, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
I think I can, I think I can...WAIT
I know I can, I know I can!!
The days seem to be getting busier and busier, and less about him. I do miss him, I do think about him, but it is SO much easier!
I can survive this, we will survive this! For a while now, I've been in a state of mind where I can't see myself with him, but I can't see myself with anyone else...some days I think if I could just find a friends with benefits, I could survive being single forever. LOL ::wink, wink, nudge nudge:: In all seriousness, I am finally OKAY with it.
With all of that, I have decided today is going to be dubbed *Mama Monday*. Before we got married, I put my friends and family first. Then we got married and it was him and the house first, followed by family and friends. It's never been about ME. Now of course, It's not all about me, but I am second, instead of LAST. If I don't make it about me, who will?!
Chloe will always come first, what she needs, and then of course what I want for her, since she's too young to want for herself. Lol. Then it will be about me! Every week, I am going to do something for me, whether it is going to the movies, or reading a book, or getting a pedicure.
May brings lost of adventures, mother's day, then Chloe's 1st Birthday in which I will be a total crying mess for, then my birthday!! For mother's day, I'm hoping to get myself a tattoo that will represent Chloe. For my birthday, I've decided I want a bike, and a seat to attach to it, so that Chloe can ride with me.
When he left, I knew I wouldn't want to get into another relationship while feeling the way I do about myself. So,I've finally gotten serious about losing weight, and in the last two weeks I've lost 5lbs...it's not a lot, but it's a start! I've changed my eating habits, though I still crave my sweets! I've been walking with Chloe when the weather is nice, and hoping to go on those bike rides!
Since this post is *mama monday*, I will tell you what I've been doing for myself lately. I've gotten highlights, and a new haircut. I bought myself a ring that says 'keep on loving'. It took me a while to find a ring that was 'just right' but I knew when he left that I wanted something to 'replace' my wedding rings. I've been enjoying my candles, walks, my time with chloe, and feeling HUMAN again!!
Almost 5 months now...I never imagined I would be where I'm at, and I'm looking forward to where I will be 5 months from now!
The days seem to be getting busier and busier, and less about him. I do miss him, I do think about him, but it is SO much easier!
I can survive this, we will survive this! For a while now, I've been in a state of mind where I can't see myself with him, but I can't see myself with anyone else...some days I think if I could just find a friends with benefits, I could survive being single forever. LOL ::wink, wink, nudge nudge:: In all seriousness, I am finally OKAY with it.
With all of that, I have decided today is going to be dubbed *Mama Monday*. Before we got married, I put my friends and family first. Then we got married and it was him and the house first, followed by family and friends. It's never been about ME. Now of course, It's not all about me, but I am second, instead of LAST. If I don't make it about me, who will?!
Chloe will always come first, what she needs, and then of course what I want for her, since she's too young to want for herself. Lol. Then it will be about me! Every week, I am going to do something for me, whether it is going to the movies, or reading a book, or getting a pedicure.
May brings lost of adventures, mother's day, then Chloe's 1st Birthday in which I will be a total crying mess for, then my birthday!! For mother's day, I'm hoping to get myself a tattoo that will represent Chloe. For my birthday, I've decided I want a bike, and a seat to attach to it, so that Chloe can ride with me.
When he left, I knew I wouldn't want to get into another relationship while feeling the way I do about myself. So,I've finally gotten serious about losing weight, and in the last two weeks I've lost 5lbs...it's not a lot, but it's a start! I've changed my eating habits, though I still crave my sweets! I've been walking with Chloe when the weather is nice, and hoping to go on those bike rides!
Since this post is *mama monday*, I will tell you what I've been doing for myself lately. I've gotten highlights, and a new haircut. I bought myself a ring that says 'keep on loving'. It took me a while to find a ring that was 'just right' but I knew when he left that I wanted something to 'replace' my wedding rings. I've been enjoying my candles, walks, my time with chloe, and feeling HUMAN again!!
Almost 5 months now...I never imagined I would be where I'm at, and I'm looking forward to where I will be 5 months from now!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
wishy washy...
I don't know if it is mean, the relationships I get in, or a bit of both. When H left I shut down, and shut out some people. There was one person I consistantly talked to, but the relationship is getting harder and harder.
It's hard for someone to understand what it's like to be a single parent, when they've not experienced it. That is just the truth. You are responsible for doing everything on your own, from working, to taking care of the baby, to grocery shopping, and maintaing a home. I'm exhausted personally. Not to mention I'm still not over the emotional aspect of being divorced and single, and everything that has come along with it.
Now on top of all of that, I don't currently have my own transportation, nor do I know anyone other then our m-f babysitter and my mother. So going out to do things has been nearly impossible. I borrow my moms car when I can, but it's not often, and it's usually not for long since she may have plans!
All of these things have been weighing on our relationship and it's become so frustrating that I'm just ready to give up. Yet the idea of that makes me sad. I care about this friend, and I don't want to be friendless.
Which leads me to not feeling like I'm good enough for anyone. I guess in some part I'm not considering I am so unhappy with myself. It is hard to stay positive, but I am trying hard to do so!
Letting nature take its course can be so hard, and yet sometimes we have no say in it. I hope I don't lose this friendship forever, and at the same time, I'm so tired of trying to cater to everyone else....Why is it all so complicated?!
Tomorrow starts a new week, and I'm so ready for it!
It's hard for someone to understand what it's like to be a single parent, when they've not experienced it. That is just the truth. You are responsible for doing everything on your own, from working, to taking care of the baby, to grocery shopping, and maintaing a home. I'm exhausted personally. Not to mention I'm still not over the emotional aspect of being divorced and single, and everything that has come along with it.
Now on top of all of that, I don't currently have my own transportation, nor do I know anyone other then our m-f babysitter and my mother. So going out to do things has been nearly impossible. I borrow my moms car when I can, but it's not often, and it's usually not for long since she may have plans!
All of these things have been weighing on our relationship and it's become so frustrating that I'm just ready to give up. Yet the idea of that makes me sad. I care about this friend, and I don't want to be friendless.
Which leads me to not feeling like I'm good enough for anyone. I guess in some part I'm not considering I am so unhappy with myself. It is hard to stay positive, but I am trying hard to do so!
Letting nature take its course can be so hard, and yet sometimes we have no say in it. I hope I don't lose this friendship forever, and at the same time, I'm so tired of trying to cater to everyone else....Why is it all so complicated?!
Tomorrow starts a new week, and I'm so ready for it!
Friday, April 16, 2010
"I know how you feel."
Do you, do you really?
I think the fact that your husband is sitting next to you, you have no idea how I feel!!
There are sometimes that it would be best not to say anything at all, then to say something that is not true.
Maybe it's because I am still in the process of getting a divorce, but when I hear someone say "I know how you feel", and in reality you know they have no idea, it just pisses me off. Unless you have personally been through a divorce you have NO idea what I am going through. It's so easy to judge someone elses situation.
I had someone tell me they couldn't understand why I was keeping pictures of me and him and that if they were in the situation they would have burned everything. First of all, he will always be apart of my past, you can't erase those memories. Second of all, we do have a daughter together, and I would like for her to know that we were in love and happy at one point in our life, and she wasn't brought into an unloving family. He was so excited the day I got my bfp (big fat positive=pregnancy test) that he didn't want to wait the 12 weeks I wanted to wait to tell everyone, but agreed to. Within 24 hours he was soo excited that he begged me to let him tell his mom which meant we had to tell everyone.
Just because you can sit back and say "If my husband did that to me, I would be so over him and not worried/think about him anymore." My question for you is, do you really love your husband? I had virtually no control over this. In the end it all came down to what he wanted. He walked away and he destroyed our family. This is NOT by any means what I wanted. You have no idea what you would do if you were put in this position, and I hope that you never are.
I really wish people would stop and think before they just verbally throw up.
I think the fact that your husband is sitting next to you, you have no idea how I feel!!
There are sometimes that it would be best not to say anything at all, then to say something that is not true.
Maybe it's because I am still in the process of getting a divorce, but when I hear someone say "I know how you feel", and in reality you know they have no idea, it just pisses me off. Unless you have personally been through a divorce you have NO idea what I am going through. It's so easy to judge someone elses situation.
I had someone tell me they couldn't understand why I was keeping pictures of me and him and that if they were in the situation they would have burned everything. First of all, he will always be apart of my past, you can't erase those memories. Second of all, we do have a daughter together, and I would like for her to know that we were in love and happy at one point in our life, and she wasn't brought into an unloving family. He was so excited the day I got my bfp (big fat positive=pregnancy test) that he didn't want to wait the 12 weeks I wanted to wait to tell everyone, but agreed to. Within 24 hours he was soo excited that he begged me to let him tell his mom which meant we had to tell everyone.
Just because you can sit back and say "If my husband did that to me, I would be so over him and not worried/think about him anymore." My question for you is, do you really love your husband? I had virtually no control over this. In the end it all came down to what he wanted. He walked away and he destroyed our family. This is NOT by any means what I wanted. You have no idea what you would do if you were put in this position, and I hope that you never are.
I really wish people would stop and think before they just verbally throw up.
Monday, April 12, 2010
the struggles...I'm feeling them...
Is there really 24 hours in a day?
Can someone make that 30 hours in a day? Please...with a cherry on top?!
My day goes a little something like this...get up at 5am, get ready, wake the baby at 6, get her ready. At 6:30 we are on the way to the babysitters, drop her off, get to work by 7. The day drags until 3:30 when I get off, go straight to pick up the baby. Then its either to the store, pick up my brother, or go home play with Chloe. Around 5:30ish start dinner. By 6:15 or 6:30 we are in the car to pick up my mom for lunch break. Come 7ish we are having dinner. Then it's time to clean up dinner, get a bath, pack for the next day, clean. THEN I try to squeeze in some me time, but that me time cuts into my sleep time.
I do realize that this is a pretty typical life...but whyyy am I struggling?! The 5 hours of sleep a night is not cutting it anymore. It's starting to catch up with me, and the only way I see getting anymore, is giving up the little bit of *me* time that I get. Somehow I can not seem to talk myself into that one.
I've also come to realize that while my days are getting better, I am surpressing too much emotions. All of my anger/frustrations towards matthew get ignored until they build up so high that I explode. Then it appears as though I spend all day everyday thinking about him, when in reality I try so hard not to think about him.
I know I will be okay, that one day I can be happy. I just don't know when that someday will be, and at this point I wish I could push fast forward! I have been planning Chloe's birthday and it's so hard. It reminds of me of the dreams I had for our family, and he ripped those same dreams away. I had envisioned our backyard with Chloes swingset, a pool, her bycycle. Of course she will be able to have those things one day. But they won't be with our family, they won't be in this home, or this yard, and I have so much anger towards him for that. I have anger towards him for making me go 48 hours without seeing her (when he does finally get overnights). For making her have to split the holidays between his family and mine instead of OURS. The fact that if she ever has siblings, they will have a different father/mother then she does. HE took this all away from me, and I had NO say so in it. It just isn't fair. It's been 4 months and I'm still struggling.
Not sure how this post got turned this way. Only that I am doing okay...even with the struggles. I am trying so hard to be happy. I will keep trying and one day, I won't have to try, I will just be able to live....or so I hope.
Somedays, I feel as though I'm all alone in this journey....
Can someone make that 30 hours in a day? Please...with a cherry on top?!
My day goes a little something like this...get up at 5am, get ready, wake the baby at 6, get her ready. At 6:30 we are on the way to the babysitters, drop her off, get to work by 7. The day drags until 3:30 when I get off, go straight to pick up the baby. Then its either to the store, pick up my brother, or go home play with Chloe. Around 5:30ish start dinner. By 6:15 or 6:30 we are in the car to pick up my mom for lunch break. Come 7ish we are having dinner. Then it's time to clean up dinner, get a bath, pack for the next day, clean. THEN I try to squeeze in some me time, but that me time cuts into my sleep time.
I do realize that this is a pretty typical life...but whyyy am I struggling?! The 5 hours of sleep a night is not cutting it anymore. It's starting to catch up with me, and the only way I see getting anymore, is giving up the little bit of *me* time that I get. Somehow I can not seem to talk myself into that one.
I've also come to realize that while my days are getting better, I am surpressing too much emotions. All of my anger/frustrations towards matthew get ignored until they build up so high that I explode. Then it appears as though I spend all day everyday thinking about him, when in reality I try so hard not to think about him.
I know I will be okay, that one day I can be happy. I just don't know when that someday will be, and at this point I wish I could push fast forward! I have been planning Chloe's birthday and it's so hard. It reminds of me of the dreams I had for our family, and he ripped those same dreams away. I had envisioned our backyard with Chloes swingset, a pool, her bycycle. Of course she will be able to have those things one day. But they won't be with our family, they won't be in this home, or this yard, and I have so much anger towards him for that. I have anger towards him for making me go 48 hours without seeing her (when he does finally get overnights). For making her have to split the holidays between his family and mine instead of OURS. The fact that if she ever has siblings, they will have a different father/mother then she does. HE took this all away from me, and I had NO say so in it. It just isn't fair. It's been 4 months and I'm still struggling.
Not sure how this post got turned this way. Only that I am doing okay...even with the struggles. I am trying so hard to be happy. I will keep trying and one day, I won't have to try, I will just be able to live....or so I hope.
Somedays, I feel as though I'm all alone in this journey....
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
1 step forward...2 steps back...
I have been dreaming of spring, the cool breezes, the green grass, the pretty flowers blooming, evening walks around the neighborhood, and walking barefooted!
Now it's come, and while I'm enjoying it..the warmer it gets the more I hear that sound...I never expected so many small or silly things to take me back. Back to feeling like I will never be over him, and that the last one or two or three weeks of doing okay, or good is all wiped away.
As I hear it get louder, then switch gears, then it takes off down the road...all of these damn motorcycles have me on the verges of tears. I wish I would have rode the damn thing with him more then the 2 times that I did. I was so scared. Scared that something horrible would happen and that I would regret it, or worse yet something horrible would happen and I wouldn't have the chance to regret it...now I regret not riding with him.
Today marks 4 months to the date of him telling me he didn't want to be with me anymore, that he didn't love me. I remember it like it was yesterday. I yelled at him, cursed at him, and repeat for 3 hours...I wanted to do the classic movie scene where the woman burries her head in the guys chest and pounds his chest crying the whole time. At the same time, I just wanted him to hold me. Instead, I sat on the opposite end of the couch telling him everything I could think of, every feeling I could feel. But, of course, it feels like forever ago too. How have I managed to survive 4 months, that is 1/3 of a year?! Yet, I still can't imagine being with anyone else.
All of this leads me to wishing. Wishing I knew when I will be over him, completely. What if I never am? What if I really do love him forever? How will I love anyone else as much as I loved him? Will anyone else want to be with me? Will anyone else love me?
All of these questions left unanswered only to be answered with time. Sometimes I think I have too much time, and sometimes not enough.
I've got the best part of him that I ever could have asked for. I see her , I play with her, sing to her, rock her, kiss her, hold her, hug her, laugh with her, take care of her each and every single day. She's my whole world, and if all of this had to happen in order to have her, I wouldn't have it any other way.
Now it's come, and while I'm enjoying it..the warmer it gets the more I hear that sound...I never expected so many small or silly things to take me back. Back to feeling like I will never be over him, and that the last one or two or three weeks of doing okay, or good is all wiped away.
As I hear it get louder, then switch gears, then it takes off down the road...all of these damn motorcycles have me on the verges of tears. I wish I would have rode the damn thing with him more then the 2 times that I did. I was so scared. Scared that something horrible would happen and that I would regret it, or worse yet something horrible would happen and I wouldn't have the chance to regret it...now I regret not riding with him.
Today marks 4 months to the date of him telling me he didn't want to be with me anymore, that he didn't love me. I remember it like it was yesterday. I yelled at him, cursed at him, and repeat for 3 hours...I wanted to do the classic movie scene where the woman burries her head in the guys chest and pounds his chest crying the whole time. At the same time, I just wanted him to hold me. Instead, I sat on the opposite end of the couch telling him everything I could think of, every feeling I could feel. But, of course, it feels like forever ago too. How have I managed to survive 4 months, that is 1/3 of a year?! Yet, I still can't imagine being with anyone else.
All of this leads me to wishing. Wishing I knew when I will be over him, completely. What if I never am? What if I really do love him forever? How will I love anyone else as much as I loved him? Will anyone else want to be with me? Will anyone else love me?
All of these questions left unanswered only to be answered with time. Sometimes I think I have too much time, and sometimes not enough.
I've got the best part of him that I ever could have asked for. I see her , I play with her, sing to her, rock her, kiss her, hold her, hug her, laugh with her, take care of her each and every single day. She's my whole world, and if all of this had to happen in order to have her, I wouldn't have it any other way.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Self esteem or the lack thereof...
I have never had very good self esteem. I became overweight as a 4th grader.
Needless to say, I'm 22 soon to be 23 and still overweight. It is hard not to wonder what part this had in our divorce. When he left, I was 60lbs heavier then I was in high school when we first met. I was uncomfortable with myself in high school...can you imagine how I felt 4 months ago, at my heaviest!
The first two weeks that he left I lost 12lbs. He has been gone, almost 4 months and I've only lost 2 more. How rediculous! I want so badly to do this. Mainly for myself and the ability to chase chloe around and play all of the things that she wants to play. I don't want to be the fat mom sitting on the side too embarrassed to stand up and cheer their child on!
So today, I came home from work, cleaned, worked out, and took a bath. I decided since I had no clean clothes, I would wear the one and only skirt I have that fits. When He arrived to drop off Chloe he did a double take to see what exactly I was wearing...such a small detail, but it made me feel great!!! One day I want him to pick up Chloe and have to do 3, 4, 5 glances because I have changed so much! I'm so tired of being the fat girl.
I want to feel cute and comfortable and be able to buy the cute clothes! I want to be able to walk around with a guy and be happy, smiling, cheerful and not wondering what every.single.person is thinking about me as I walk by.
I deserve this, but only I can make the changes...and I'm finally ready to commit!
Needless to say, I'm 22 soon to be 23 and still overweight. It is hard not to wonder what part this had in our divorce. When he left, I was 60lbs heavier then I was in high school when we first met. I was uncomfortable with myself in high school...can you imagine how I felt 4 months ago, at my heaviest!
The first two weeks that he left I lost 12lbs. He has been gone, almost 4 months and I've only lost 2 more. How rediculous! I want so badly to do this. Mainly for myself and the ability to chase chloe around and play all of the things that she wants to play. I don't want to be the fat mom sitting on the side too embarrassed to stand up and cheer their child on!
So today, I came home from work, cleaned, worked out, and took a bath. I decided since I had no clean clothes, I would wear the one and only skirt I have that fits. When He arrived to drop off Chloe he did a double take to see what exactly I was wearing...such a small detail, but it made me feel great!!! One day I want him to pick up Chloe and have to do 3, 4, 5 glances because I have changed so much! I'm so tired of being the fat girl.
I want to feel cute and comfortable and be able to buy the cute clothes! I want to be able to walk around with a guy and be happy, smiling, cheerful and not wondering what every.single.person is thinking about me as I walk by.
I deserve this, but only I can make the changes...and I'm finally ready to commit!
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