1 step forward...2 steps back...

I have been dreaming of spring, the cool breezes, the green grass, the pretty flowers blooming, evening walks around the neighborhood, and walking barefooted!

Now it's come, and while I'm enjoying it..the warmer it gets the more I hear that sound...I never expected so many small or silly things to take me back. Back to feeling like I will never be over him, and that the last one or two or three weeks of doing okay, or good is all wiped away.

As I hear it get louder, then switch gears, then it takes off down the road...all of these damn motorcycles have me on the verges of tears. I wish I would have rode the damn thing with him more then the 2 times that I did. I was so scared. Scared that something horrible would happen and that I would regret it, or worse yet something horrible would happen and I wouldn't have the chance to regret it...now I regret not riding with him.

Today marks 4 months to the date of him telling me he didn't want to be with me anymore, that he didn't love me. I remember it like it was yesterday. I yelled at him, cursed at him, and repeat for 3 hours...I wanted to do the classic movie scene where the woman burries her head in the guys chest and pounds his chest crying the whole time. At the same time, I just wanted him to hold me. Instead, I sat on the opposite end of the couch telling him everything I could think of, every feeling I could feel. But, of course, it feels like forever ago too. How have I managed to survive 4 months, that is 1/3 of a year?! Yet, I still can't imagine being with anyone else.

All of this leads me to wishing. Wishing I knew when I will be over him, completely. What if I never am? What if I really do love him forever? How will I love anyone else as much as I loved him? Will anyone else want to be with me? Will anyone else love me?

All of these questions left unanswered only to be answered with time. Sometimes I think I have too much time, and sometimes not enough.

I've got the best part of him that I ever could have asked for. I see her , I play with her, sing to her, rock her, kiss her, hold her, hug her, laugh with her, take care of her each and every single day. She's my whole world, and if all of this had to happen in order to have her, I wouldn't have it any other way.