the struggles...I'm feeling them...

Is there really 24 hours in a day?

Can someone make that 30 hours in a day? Please...with a cherry on top?!

My day goes a little something like this...get up at 5am, get ready, wake the baby at 6, get her ready. At 6:30 we are on the way to the babysitters, drop her off, get to work by 7. The day drags until 3:30 when I get off, go straight to pick up the baby. Then its either to the store, pick up my brother, or go home play with Chloe. Around 5:30ish start dinner. By 6:15 or 6:30 we are in the car to pick up my mom for lunch break. Come 7ish we are having dinner. Then it's time to clean up dinner, get a bath, pack for the next day, clean. THEN I try to squeeze in some me time, but that me time cuts into my sleep time.

I do realize that this is a pretty typical life...but whyyy am I struggling?! The 5 hours of sleep a night is not cutting it anymore. It's starting to catch up with me, and the only way I see getting anymore, is giving up the little bit of *me* time that I get. Somehow I can not seem to talk myself into that one.

I've also come to realize that while my days are getting better, I am surpressing too much emotions. All of my anger/frustrations towards matthew get ignored until they build up so high that I explode. Then it appears as though I spend all day everyday thinking about him, when in reality I try so hard not to think about him.

I know I will be okay, that one day I can be happy. I just don't know when that someday will be, and at this point I wish I could push fast forward! I have been planning Chloe's birthday and it's so hard. It reminds of me of the dreams I had for our family, and he ripped those same dreams away. I had envisioned our backyard with Chloes swingset, a pool, her bycycle. Of course she will be able to have those things one day. But they won't be with our family, they won't be in this home, or this yard, and I have so much anger towards him for that. I have anger towards him for making me go 48 hours without seeing her (when he does finally get overnights). For making her have to split the holidays between his family and mine instead of OURS. The fact that if she ever has siblings, they will have a different father/mother then she does. HE took this all away from me, and I had NO say so in it. It just isn't fair. It's been 4 months and I'm still struggling.

Not sure how this post got turned this way. Only that I am doing okay...even with the struggles. I am trying so hard to be happy. I will keep trying and one day, I won't have to try, I will just be able to live....or so I hope.

Somedays, I feel as though I'm all alone in this journey....