Some new, but lots of the same

I can't seem to find the time, desire, energy, and any other excuse to post regularly...wait to do anything regularly! I am SO border line on not caring at all, and caring just enough that stuff bothers me. The whole teeter totter thing, is driving me crazy!

One of the biggest things that bothers me on a daily basis is the fact that I'm living with my mother. No one, as an adult (in their right mind!) wants to live with their parent(s). Yet, somehow it is enough of a safety net, to keep me here. When he left, my mom and her boyfriend were living with us. When the house went into foreclosure, we all had to figure something out, instead of working my ass off even more to get my own place, I decided to move in with them. (not a good swap!) Now, I feel stuck. I want to be on my own, but not enough to work 60 hours a week. I don't want to move into my own place, for the sake of being on my own, and constantly be broke, depending on someone else to buy Chloe's clothes, or help me out of some emergency. The truth is, I'm a thinker, and a planner, not always a good combination! I think of every what if, and try to plan everything, and then hardly anything goes the way that I want it!

Another big thing is my weight, I have moaned and groaned about my weight, since ohh sometime around 7th grade. I would have been oh say 12 years old...I am now 24. I say 12 years of complaining is plenty! I have always been one of those overweight people, who lets their weight get in the way of doing what they want to do. I am to the point that I would rather stay inside, then to wake up every morning and get dressed in the same clothes over and over, and leave feeling completely fat and ugly. In the mist of my 'mood' if you will, I have completely let myself go. I eat whatever I want (when I can afford it), I don't do my hair, I don't do my nails or eyebrows regularly, I don't do any of the things that made me feel good about myself. Now that I'm finally feeling lonely, and thinking about future relatonships (just a smidge), I know that I need to be happy with myself first. That is only going to come from me working on me.

So, it's time to get serious! It's time to quit making and reusing the same ole' excuse, and wanting something bad enough to work for it, or give up on it all together!

Self esteem or the lack thereof...

I have never had very good self esteem. I became overweight as a 4th grader.

Needless to say, I'm 22 soon to be 23 and still overweight. It is hard not to wonder what part this had in our divorce. When he left, I was 60lbs heavier then I was in high school when we first met. I was uncomfortable with myself in high school...can you imagine how I felt 4 months ago, at my heaviest!

The first two weeks that he left I lost 12lbs. He has been gone, almost 4 months and I've only lost 2 more. How rediculous! I want so badly to do this. Mainly for myself and the ability to chase chloe around and play all of the things that she wants to play. I don't want to be the fat mom sitting on the side too embarrassed to stand up and cheer their child on!

So today, I came home from work, cleaned, worked out, and took a bath. I decided since I had no clean clothes, I would wear the one and only skirt I have that fits. When He arrived to drop off Chloe he did a double take to see what exactly I was wearing...such a small detail, but it made me feel great!!! One day I want him to pick up Chloe and have to do 3, 4, 5 glances because I have changed so much! I'm so tired of being the fat girl.

I want to feel cute and comfortable and be able to buy the cute clothes! I want to be able to walk around with a guy and be happy, smiling, cheerful and not wondering what every.single.person is thinking about me as I walk by.

I deserve this, but only I can make the changes...and I'm finally ready to commit!