I have learned a new word..or should I say...feeling

Resentment.

Somehow I have managed to be positive the last couple of weeks, or at least for the majority of those weeks. Today, not so much. Chloe has not been feeling well which equals baby crankyness....at its worse!!!

On the one hand I feel horrible, because her nose is running, she's tired and fights her sleep, and when she finallly falls asleep for the night she wakes up twice because she can't breathe through her nose. On the other hand...where is MY free time? Where is my time to do what I want? Where is my person to call and say 'hey, shes not feeling good can I bring her home early?'

Q the resenment...while I don't want the life Matthew has. I love chloe to death!!! I do resent him for just being able to walk away and not care. I'm scrambling to find the right words...this has nothing to do with not wanting my little girl, I would never not want her.

However, sometimes I need a break. Twentythree hours a month, or 40 hours a week while I'm at work just isn't enough. Especially on days like yesterday and today. I want to make her better, so we can have fun and yet I don't know what to do. I try to do it all, bottle, nope shes not hungry, play with toys, nope she doesn't want to look at them, nap, hell no she's not going to sleep. WHAT DO I DO?!

He has a car, a job, money, free time, a social life, and a significant other..whom is obviously not me! He left almost 4 months ago and has completely moved on. I don't know if he's actually happy or not, and if he wasn't he wouldn't be telling me...I wouldn't trade my life for his life. However, I wish he would step up and want to be the father that I know he can be. He was a good father when we were together, he played with her, he helped when/if I asked for help. I was able to go out and do stuff, even if I took her with me.

I know these things will get better, I have a job, and I am working. However, I won't have a full paycheck for another 3.5 weeks, which means the next 3.5 weeks will continue to be a struggle. I am SO tired of struggling. And it's not just about money but everything that revolves around the money.

In all of this mess, I just want to be happy.