Feeling lost

Alright, so I've not been blogging regularly. Mainly because my good times are as comon as the bad.

I try so hard to stay positive, and yet it takes 1 little thought to turn my whole hour, or day upside down. I still miss all of the small things. Though at this point it's not him that has me down, it's the circumstances that he left me in...My car does not run well at all. I stopped driving it at 7 months pregnant because I felt unsafe in it...so it sat in the driveway for a year. He told me for months before leaving me that I didn't have to work at all, I could stay at home with the baby. When he left...his response to my vehicle not running..."that is no longer my problem"...asshole! The job I was working at when he left was temporary...in fact it ended 2 weeks after he left...wtf. Which leads to our house...the month he moved out the mortgage didn't get paid, and I had no job..guess what...it is a matter of time before it goes into foreclosure.

Recap...he left me with a job ending in two weeks, no running vehicle, a house I couldn't afford and our 6 month old daughter to take care of! He deserves husband/father of the year award...how is it that I married this guy. Though I know he is NOT the man I married, he looks the same but everything that comes out of his mouth makes you feel as though your talking to a stranger.

However, I'm supposed to be starting a job at the end of the month, I'm both nervous and excited! I really want to do something with myself, so I can provide Chloe the life she deserves. I also never want to be dependent on another man, and be stuck in my current position.

While there is the future to look forward to and it is finally looking better, I have felt trapped. Trapped in this house, that I will miss, and yet look forward to getting out of. The hardest thing to let go of in all of this, is the dreams I had for our family, in our home, in the future. I've spend 6 years dreaming and planning for our family. As everyone likes to point out, I don't have to give up my dreams, I just have to make them with someone else. Somehow they fail to realize that he was a part of my dream. He was my childrens' father. Now, if I have anymore kids, it will be with someone else. Someone else in which I have no idea who it could be.

The unknown is the scariest thing of all. Can I survive as a single mom? Can I provide my daughter with everything she needs and wants? Can I make her proud to call me mommy? Will I ever find someone who loves me enough to not want to be with someone else? Will I ever fully get over him? Will I be able to wake up, look at the sun and my daughter, and be happy with the life I have?

I am SO happy to have my daughter, I want to make her proud of me! I know that no one can change this me, I want it to change, but I need to find the strength to make it happen.

Life is a journey, that is so unpredictable!