I can't seem to find the time, desire, energy, and any other excuse to post regularly...wait to do anything regularly! I am SO border line on not caring at all, and caring just enough that stuff bothers me. The whole teeter totter thing, is driving me crazy!
One of the biggest things that bothers me on a daily basis is the fact that I'm living with my mother. No one, as an adult (in their right mind!) wants to live with their parent(s). Yet, somehow it is enough of a safety net, to keep me here. When he left, my mom and her boyfriend were living with us. When the house went into foreclosure, we all had to figure something out, instead of working my ass off even more to get my own place, I decided to move in with them. (not a good swap!) Now, I feel stuck. I want to be on my own, but not enough to work 60 hours a week. I don't want to move into my own place, for the sake of being on my own, and constantly be broke, depending on someone else to buy Chloe's clothes, or help me out of some emergency. The truth is, I'm a thinker, and a planner, not always a good combination! I think of every what if, and try to plan everything, and then hardly anything goes the way that I want it!
Another big thing is my weight, I have moaned and groaned about my weight, since ohh sometime around 7th grade. I would have been oh say 12 years old...I am now 24. I say 12 years of complaining is plenty! I have always been one of those overweight people, who lets their weight get in the way of doing what they want to do. I am to the point that I would rather stay inside, then to wake up every morning and get dressed in the same clothes over and over, and leave feeling completely fat and ugly. In the mist of my 'mood' if you will, I have completely let myself go. I eat whatever I want (when I can afford it), I don't do my hair, I don't do my nails or eyebrows regularly, I don't do any of the things that made me feel good about myself. Now that I'm finally feeling lonely, and thinking about future relatonships (just a smidge), I know that I need to be happy with myself first. That is only going to come from me working on me.
So, it's time to get serious! It's time to quit making and reusing the same ole' excuse, and wanting something bad enough to work for it, or give up on it all together!
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Bitter?...maybe just a teeny tiny bit...HA!
Call me bitter, jealous, immature, I'm sure there are a million and one words that would fit. It has been one heck of an off week and I just can't seem to get it together. Maybe it's mother nature, maybe it's just one of those weeks, maybe I'm reaching a breaking point...not quite sure, but something has got to give.
If I'm going to be completely honest in this post, I'm going to be upfront...I would be beyond embarrassed if anyone in my real life knew that I felt this way, but I have got to let it out somewhere!! I still wake up in disbelief that this is my life. WTF did I do to deserve all of this? I'm a mess...still, is this even normal?! I'm 23, soon to be 24, going through a divorce, house foreclosing, living with my mother, and trying to maintain some part of normalcy...all while working full time, going to school full time and being a single mom. I think, maybe, just maybe, I'm insane. If it's not one thing, it's another, such is life, but boy, each day is a rollercoaster.
I have friends who are now having kids, and it makes me happy for them, but it is yet another reason that I would like to punch him. I have always wanted my kids 2 years apart, and as my sweet baby girl turns 2 next month (holy sh!t) I know that to responsibly have another child, I will have to wait until she is 6 or 7 years old. It litterally makes me sick to my stomach!
The fact that I am once again living with a parent, and not able to financially support my daughter and myself is something that I beat myself up for everyday. I can.not.stand.it. My goal is to be on my own within the next year. Yet, at the same time I honestly don't know if being on my own is going to make things better or worse.
I question every.single.thought I have. It's as if I don't trust myself anymore, because of the mess I am in. I know that to a certain degree all of this is my fault. I most definately don't want to struggle to make things better, only to find myself in a similar or worse situation.
Last but not least...as unhppy as I have always been with my weight, I can not, for the life of me, find the motivation/desire/energy to do anything about it. Part of me wants to not care at all, so that I can just completely give up, accept the fact that I'm going to be fat forever, move on, and buy more fat clothes. The other part of me so badly wants to lose weight so that I can buy the cute clothes, and feel comfortable going out, and heaven forbid, possilby go on a date.
Speaking of dating, I am so not ready to, but I have finally reached the 'I'm lonely' phase. It sucks.
At the end of every day, I know that I'm the only one that can make the changes that I need to make in order to better my life, as well as my daughters. I am seriously considering looking into counseling. At least someone can confirm that I am either completely off of my rocker, or as close to normal as normal can be...what the verdict would be, I'm honestly not sure.
As I finish this post, it is easy to remember why I started this blog. While, I may not write the way some people would like, or I may not say things that some people would like to read, it is a way to expess myself, and sometimes you just need to share the good, bad, and the ugly. Sometimes it's a lot easier to do so, with strangers who choose to, or not to read it.
If I'm going to be completely honest in this post, I'm going to be upfront...I would be beyond embarrassed if anyone in my real life knew that I felt this way, but I have got to let it out somewhere!! I still wake up in disbelief that this is my life. WTF did I do to deserve all of this? I'm a mess...still, is this even normal?! I'm 23, soon to be 24, going through a divorce, house foreclosing, living with my mother, and trying to maintain some part of normalcy...all while working full time, going to school full time and being a single mom. I think, maybe, just maybe, I'm insane. If it's not one thing, it's another, such is life, but boy, each day is a rollercoaster.
I have friends who are now having kids, and it makes me happy for them, but it is yet another reason that I would like to punch him. I have always wanted my kids 2 years apart, and as my sweet baby girl turns 2 next month (holy sh!t) I know that to responsibly have another child, I will have to wait until she is 6 or 7 years old. It litterally makes me sick to my stomach!
The fact that I am once again living with a parent, and not able to financially support my daughter and myself is something that I beat myself up for everyday. I can.not.stand.it. My goal is to be on my own within the next year. Yet, at the same time I honestly don't know if being on my own is going to make things better or worse.
I question every.single.thought I have. It's as if I don't trust myself anymore, because of the mess I am in. I know that to a certain degree all of this is my fault. I most definately don't want to struggle to make things better, only to find myself in a similar or worse situation.
Last but not least...as unhppy as I have always been with my weight, I can not, for the life of me, find the motivation/desire/energy to do anything about it. Part of me wants to not care at all, so that I can just completely give up, accept the fact that I'm going to be fat forever, move on, and buy more fat clothes. The other part of me so badly wants to lose weight so that I can buy the cute clothes, and feel comfortable going out, and heaven forbid, possilby go on a date.
Speaking of dating, I am so not ready to, but I have finally reached the 'I'm lonely' phase. It sucks.
At the end of every day, I know that I'm the only one that can make the changes that I need to make in order to better my life, as well as my daughters. I am seriously considering looking into counseling. At least someone can confirm that I am either completely off of my rocker, or as close to normal as normal can be...what the verdict would be, I'm honestly not sure.
As I finish this post, it is easy to remember why I started this blog. While, I may not write the way some people would like, or I may not say things that some people would like to read, it is a way to expess myself, and sometimes you just need to share the good, bad, and the ugly. Sometimes it's a lot easier to do so, with strangers who choose to, or not to read it.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
blogging...
I have been a horrible blogger!
Life has kind of taken charge, I suppose. Between working full time, taking care of miss chloe full time, and trying to keep the house looking half way decent, I run out of time!
We've had lots going on, miss chloe turned one, the following weekend I had her birthday party! It was a hit! We had approximately 40 people show up. I will be posting pictures soon!
My schedule at work has changed for the next 6 weeks, and lets just say, I do not like my new schedule, and like the job itself even less!!
I have applied for school, and fasfa. I want to take nursing, so that I can support me and Chloe, and never been dependent on a guy again! Hoping to go to school full time, and work part time...we shall see how that goes!
The grand finale.... he posted pictures online, of him and his GF at prom. There's a whole lot wrong with this, first of all he's 22 which means he's too old for prom. Second of all, he's married with a child. Third of all, he published these pictures all over the internet while married!! As much as it hurt to see those pictures, it was a great wake up call. Maybe the wakeup call I needed. While it royal pissed me off, to the point I was shaking, something clicked afterwards.
I went off on him in the driveway that night as he dropped off chloe. He listened, and his response was 'we're over, we've been over'. Of course I replied that 'Your still legally MY husband, until we are divorced, you will have to get over it'. LOL.
I think about him a lot less, I still have the memories of 'us', but I don't 'visit' them often. I'm finally ready to be over him, and to move on with my life. I want to be happy, for me, for chloe, and for our future. While I can't see myself with him, I can't see being with anyone else. I'm not ready to date...but I like the *idea* of flirting, going on dates, and having good times with a guy, who wants the same in life.
I'm finally learning to take it one day at a time, and just have fun.
I'll leave you with the fact that chloe is walking, and talking. 'Mama' is the best thing in the world to hear!! Being a mom, is the best, there's simply no words to explain it! <3
Life has kind of taken charge, I suppose. Between working full time, taking care of miss chloe full time, and trying to keep the house looking half way decent, I run out of time!
We've had lots going on, miss chloe turned one, the following weekend I had her birthday party! It was a hit! We had approximately 40 people show up. I will be posting pictures soon!
My schedule at work has changed for the next 6 weeks, and lets just say, I do not like my new schedule, and like the job itself even less!!
I have applied for school, and fasfa. I want to take nursing, so that I can support me and Chloe, and never been dependent on a guy again! Hoping to go to school full time, and work part time...we shall see how that goes!
The grand finale.... he posted pictures online, of him and his GF at prom. There's a whole lot wrong with this, first of all he's 22 which means he's too old for prom. Second of all, he's married with a child. Third of all, he published these pictures all over the internet while married!! As much as it hurt to see those pictures, it was a great wake up call. Maybe the wakeup call I needed. While it royal pissed me off, to the point I was shaking, something clicked afterwards.
I went off on him in the driveway that night as he dropped off chloe. He listened, and his response was 'we're over, we've been over'. Of course I replied that 'Your still legally MY husband, until we are divorced, you will have to get over it'. LOL.
I think about him a lot less, I still have the memories of 'us', but I don't 'visit' them often. I'm finally ready to be over him, and to move on with my life. I want to be happy, for me, for chloe, and for our future. While I can't see myself with him, I can't see being with anyone else. I'm not ready to date...but I like the *idea* of flirting, going on dates, and having good times with a guy, who wants the same in life.
I'm finally learning to take it one day at a time, and just have fun.
I'll leave you with the fact that chloe is walking, and talking. 'Mama' is the best thing in the world to hear!! Being a mom, is the best, there's simply no words to explain it! <3
Monday, May 10, 2010
Weekend Getaway!
Chloe and I went to visit my dad and family this weekend! It was nice to be out of the house and have something to do. We spent all day saturday shopping, for the first time in ages, and sunday we went to Churchhill downs, my first time ever!
Lots of fun, and things to do, kept my mind off of things. Only, when we visited my grandma at the nursing home, I saw our wedding invitation in a frame on the wall, with a prom picture of us in the corner....I lost it. It's days like Mother's Day, or Chloe's upcoming birthday that make me HATE him. I want to badly to be over him, I just can't seem to find the way to get there 100%. I don't want to hate him, I don't want to love him anymore, I just want to NOT CARE! I want to be so over him, that I don't notice the small stupid things, that he still feels as though he has to lie to me about. How do I get there?!
On another note, it is Mama Monday! Sticking with putting me after Chloe, and not at the bottom of the list, I was able to buy myself some much needed clothes! It's been a while since I've bought clothes...the last time was maternity clothes, and lets face it, no one wants to be wearing them when their 'baby' is turning 1! It's easier to feel good about yourself, when your wearing something cuter then sweatpants and a tshirt. If the truth be told, when he was still around, I was so comfortable that I didn't care. I didn't feel as though I needed to be impressing anyone, when I guess I should have been trying to make sure he was still impressed. HAHA.
When I started this blog, I never thought I would actually keep it up, and even less then that, did I think that people would actually read it. Now as my ticker nears 800, I wonder who is reading my blog and why. Not that it's a bad thing, but I am just 'little' ole' me typing my thoughts and feelings down and yet somehow people maybe all accross the world, lol, are reading it. So, if you would be so kind as to leave a comment, anything that you want to leave, even if it's anonymous, I would love to know why your reading, or what your favorite color is!
Happy later Mother's Day to all of the other mamas!!!
And because I'm random, I'm going to start leaving with a random opinion. Random opinion for tonight...mens razors are 10x better then womens, I think him for leaving a new razor with 2 razorblades behind. LOL
Lots of fun, and things to do, kept my mind off of things. Only, when we visited my grandma at the nursing home, I saw our wedding invitation in a frame on the wall, with a prom picture of us in the corner....I lost it. It's days like Mother's Day, or Chloe's upcoming birthday that make me HATE him. I want to badly to be over him, I just can't seem to find the way to get there 100%. I don't want to hate him, I don't want to love him anymore, I just want to NOT CARE! I want to be so over him, that I don't notice the small stupid things, that he still feels as though he has to lie to me about. How do I get there?!
On another note, it is Mama Monday! Sticking with putting me after Chloe, and not at the bottom of the list, I was able to buy myself some much needed clothes! It's been a while since I've bought clothes...the last time was maternity clothes, and lets face it, no one wants to be wearing them when their 'baby' is turning 1! It's easier to feel good about yourself, when your wearing something cuter then sweatpants and a tshirt. If the truth be told, when he was still around, I was so comfortable that I didn't care. I didn't feel as though I needed to be impressing anyone, when I guess I should have been trying to make sure he was still impressed. HAHA.
When I started this blog, I never thought I would actually keep it up, and even less then that, did I think that people would actually read it. Now as my ticker nears 800, I wonder who is reading my blog and why. Not that it's a bad thing, but I am just 'little' ole' me typing my thoughts and feelings down and yet somehow people maybe all accross the world, lol, are reading it. So, if you would be so kind as to leave a comment, anything that you want to leave, even if it's anonymous, I would love to know why your reading, or what your favorite color is!
Happy later Mother's Day to all of the other mamas!!!
And because I'm random, I'm going to start leaving with a random opinion. Random opinion for tonight...mens razors are 10x better then womens, I think him for leaving a new razor with 2 razorblades behind. LOL
Monday, May 3, 2010
I think I can, I think I can...WAIT
I know I can, I know I can!!
The days seem to be getting busier and busier, and less about him. I do miss him, I do think about him, but it is SO much easier!
I can survive this, we will survive this! For a while now, I've been in a state of mind where I can't see myself with him, but I can't see myself with anyone else...some days I think if I could just find a friends with benefits, I could survive being single forever. LOL ::wink, wink, nudge nudge:: In all seriousness, I am finally OKAY with it.
With all of that, I have decided today is going to be dubbed *Mama Monday*. Before we got married, I put my friends and family first. Then we got married and it was him and the house first, followed by family and friends. It's never been about ME. Now of course, It's not all about me, but I am second, instead of LAST. If I don't make it about me, who will?!
Chloe will always come first, what she needs, and then of course what I want for her, since she's too young to want for herself. Lol. Then it will be about me! Every week, I am going to do something for me, whether it is going to the movies, or reading a book, or getting a pedicure.
May brings lost of adventures, mother's day, then Chloe's 1st Birthday in which I will be a total crying mess for, then my birthday!! For mother's day, I'm hoping to get myself a tattoo that will represent Chloe. For my birthday, I've decided I want a bike, and a seat to attach to it, so that Chloe can ride with me.
When he left, I knew I wouldn't want to get into another relationship while feeling the way I do about myself. So,I've finally gotten serious about losing weight, and in the last two weeks I've lost 5lbs...it's not a lot, but it's a start! I've changed my eating habits, though I still crave my sweets! I've been walking with Chloe when the weather is nice, and hoping to go on those bike rides!
Since this post is *mama monday*, I will tell you what I've been doing for myself lately. I've gotten highlights, and a new haircut. I bought myself a ring that says 'keep on loving'. It took me a while to find a ring that was 'just right' but I knew when he left that I wanted something to 'replace' my wedding rings. I've been enjoying my candles, walks, my time with chloe, and feeling HUMAN again!!
Almost 5 months now...I never imagined I would be where I'm at, and I'm looking forward to where I will be 5 months from now!
The days seem to be getting busier and busier, and less about him. I do miss him, I do think about him, but it is SO much easier!
I can survive this, we will survive this! For a while now, I've been in a state of mind where I can't see myself with him, but I can't see myself with anyone else...some days I think if I could just find a friends with benefits, I could survive being single forever. LOL ::wink, wink, nudge nudge:: In all seriousness, I am finally OKAY with it.
With all of that, I have decided today is going to be dubbed *Mama Monday*. Before we got married, I put my friends and family first. Then we got married and it was him and the house first, followed by family and friends. It's never been about ME. Now of course, It's not all about me, but I am second, instead of LAST. If I don't make it about me, who will?!
Chloe will always come first, what she needs, and then of course what I want for her, since she's too young to want for herself. Lol. Then it will be about me! Every week, I am going to do something for me, whether it is going to the movies, or reading a book, or getting a pedicure.
May brings lost of adventures, mother's day, then Chloe's 1st Birthday in which I will be a total crying mess for, then my birthday!! For mother's day, I'm hoping to get myself a tattoo that will represent Chloe. For my birthday, I've decided I want a bike, and a seat to attach to it, so that Chloe can ride with me.
When he left, I knew I wouldn't want to get into another relationship while feeling the way I do about myself. So,I've finally gotten serious about losing weight, and in the last two weeks I've lost 5lbs...it's not a lot, but it's a start! I've changed my eating habits, though I still crave my sweets! I've been walking with Chloe when the weather is nice, and hoping to go on those bike rides!
Since this post is *mama monday*, I will tell you what I've been doing for myself lately. I've gotten highlights, and a new haircut. I bought myself a ring that says 'keep on loving'. It took me a while to find a ring that was 'just right' but I knew when he left that I wanted something to 'replace' my wedding rings. I've been enjoying my candles, walks, my time with chloe, and feeling HUMAN again!!
Almost 5 months now...I never imagined I would be where I'm at, and I'm looking forward to where I will be 5 months from now!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
wishy washy...
I don't know if it is mean, the relationships I get in, or a bit of both. When H left I shut down, and shut out some people. There was one person I consistantly talked to, but the relationship is getting harder and harder.
It's hard for someone to understand what it's like to be a single parent, when they've not experienced it. That is just the truth. You are responsible for doing everything on your own, from working, to taking care of the baby, to grocery shopping, and maintaing a home. I'm exhausted personally. Not to mention I'm still not over the emotional aspect of being divorced and single, and everything that has come along with it.
Now on top of all of that, I don't currently have my own transportation, nor do I know anyone other then our m-f babysitter and my mother. So going out to do things has been nearly impossible. I borrow my moms car when I can, but it's not often, and it's usually not for long since she may have plans!
All of these things have been weighing on our relationship and it's become so frustrating that I'm just ready to give up. Yet the idea of that makes me sad. I care about this friend, and I don't want to be friendless.
Which leads me to not feeling like I'm good enough for anyone. I guess in some part I'm not considering I am so unhappy with myself. It is hard to stay positive, but I am trying hard to do so!
Letting nature take its course can be so hard, and yet sometimes we have no say in it. I hope I don't lose this friendship forever, and at the same time, I'm so tired of trying to cater to everyone else....Why is it all so complicated?!
Tomorrow starts a new week, and I'm so ready for it!
It's hard for someone to understand what it's like to be a single parent, when they've not experienced it. That is just the truth. You are responsible for doing everything on your own, from working, to taking care of the baby, to grocery shopping, and maintaing a home. I'm exhausted personally. Not to mention I'm still not over the emotional aspect of being divorced and single, and everything that has come along with it.
Now on top of all of that, I don't currently have my own transportation, nor do I know anyone other then our m-f babysitter and my mother. So going out to do things has been nearly impossible. I borrow my moms car when I can, but it's not often, and it's usually not for long since she may have plans!
All of these things have been weighing on our relationship and it's become so frustrating that I'm just ready to give up. Yet the idea of that makes me sad. I care about this friend, and I don't want to be friendless.
Which leads me to not feeling like I'm good enough for anyone. I guess in some part I'm not considering I am so unhappy with myself. It is hard to stay positive, but I am trying hard to do so!
Letting nature take its course can be so hard, and yet sometimes we have no say in it. I hope I don't lose this friendship forever, and at the same time, I'm so tired of trying to cater to everyone else....Why is it all so complicated?!
Tomorrow starts a new week, and I'm so ready for it!
Friday, April 16, 2010
"I know how you feel."
Do you, do you really?
I think the fact that your husband is sitting next to you, you have no idea how I feel!!
There are sometimes that it would be best not to say anything at all, then to say something that is not true.
Maybe it's because I am still in the process of getting a divorce, but when I hear someone say "I know how you feel", and in reality you know they have no idea, it just pisses me off. Unless you have personally been through a divorce you have NO idea what I am going through. It's so easy to judge someone elses situation.
I had someone tell me they couldn't understand why I was keeping pictures of me and him and that if they were in the situation they would have burned everything. First of all, he will always be apart of my past, you can't erase those memories. Second of all, we do have a daughter together, and I would like for her to know that we were in love and happy at one point in our life, and she wasn't brought into an unloving family. He was so excited the day I got my bfp (big fat positive=pregnancy test) that he didn't want to wait the 12 weeks I wanted to wait to tell everyone, but agreed to. Within 24 hours he was soo excited that he begged me to let him tell his mom which meant we had to tell everyone.
Just because you can sit back and say "If my husband did that to me, I would be so over him and not worried/think about him anymore." My question for you is, do you really love your husband? I had virtually no control over this. In the end it all came down to what he wanted. He walked away and he destroyed our family. This is NOT by any means what I wanted. You have no idea what you would do if you were put in this position, and I hope that you never are.
I really wish people would stop and think before they just verbally throw up.
I think the fact that your husband is sitting next to you, you have no idea how I feel!!
There are sometimes that it would be best not to say anything at all, then to say something that is not true.
Maybe it's because I am still in the process of getting a divorce, but when I hear someone say "I know how you feel", and in reality you know they have no idea, it just pisses me off. Unless you have personally been through a divorce you have NO idea what I am going through. It's so easy to judge someone elses situation.
I had someone tell me they couldn't understand why I was keeping pictures of me and him and that if they were in the situation they would have burned everything. First of all, he will always be apart of my past, you can't erase those memories. Second of all, we do have a daughter together, and I would like for her to know that we were in love and happy at one point in our life, and she wasn't brought into an unloving family. He was so excited the day I got my bfp (big fat positive=pregnancy test) that he didn't want to wait the 12 weeks I wanted to wait to tell everyone, but agreed to. Within 24 hours he was soo excited that he begged me to let him tell his mom which meant we had to tell everyone.
Just because you can sit back and say "If my husband did that to me, I would be so over him and not worried/think about him anymore." My question for you is, do you really love your husband? I had virtually no control over this. In the end it all came down to what he wanted. He walked away and he destroyed our family. This is NOT by any means what I wanted. You have no idea what you would do if you were put in this position, and I hope that you never are.
I really wish people would stop and think before they just verbally throw up.
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